Monday, July 30, 2007

La madone fran├žaise

My friend Mr. Big sent me some Cd's last week from his newest client Mylene Farmer. I've been listening to them all week. Evidently she's the "French Madonna". A Google search taught me that she's sold over 20 million albums worldwide and is immensely popular in the french speaking countries. She definitely pushes the envelope. She has a song called "fuck them all" and video where she strips completely naked. Sounds like my kinda people. Watch out America, here she comes..

Mylene Farmer featuring MOBY.

Uncovering The Naked Truth

A few weeks ago I received a distress signal from a friend in Florida. Her colleague suspects her BF may be gay and she needs help. In an attempt to save one woman from a lifetime of lies and a non-existent sex life, I immediately went into action.

Mrs. XXXXXX
Tallahassee, Florida 33601

July 10, 2007

Dear Mrs. XXXXX.

I am writing in response to a message I received from your office on July 10, 2007. I would be happy to discuss our homo ID services with you in further detail at your convenience. As you know, we have a patented outing process that has helped thousands of clueless women discover the deep penetrating truth about the men in their lives. Our 12 step HomoID process evaluates all of the potential points of gay penetration and calculates a rank score much like the Kinsey scale. Most people we work with are surprised to learn that the men they know fall somewhere in between “Crack whore Tranny” and “Mulleted trailer trash” on our pole smoking scale. Studies have shown us that significant percentages (40%) have previously engaged in mutual masturbation and or drunken fraternity fellatio and a strong 15% are cognitive undercover homos masquerading under the socially acceptable term ‘metro-sexual’.

As part of our service we will also provide a free six pack of beer and a copy of ‘Threesome’ which can be viewed with one of our trained conversion therapists. We employ a range of men who are highly trained male “companions” who can secretly infiltrate our client’s lives and cleverly bait and switch their unsuspecting boyfriends into a compromising position in record time. Please note, there is an additional cost for work done in trailer parks, in the Bible belt or with the morbidly obese.

I would also like to note that we have recently added “Gay Care” services for new moms on the go whose busy schedules don’t allow for proper queer training for their infants. This includes, but is not limited to, Infant Couture consulting, “My First Show tunes” training and Madonna 101. Availability is tight, so contact us quickly if you’re interested.

In closing, I am confident that we can help your colleague discover the truth that lies deep inside her boyfriend. The fact that she has raised the question already is a clear cut indication that trouble may be brewing between his jean short clad thighs. I will be sending you our latest whitepaper that outlines some additional warning signs to watch out for, I hope you will find it helpful.

Thank you for contacting us and I will look forward to speaking with you soon.

Regards,

Eyeque, Proprietor

Are you a Pepper?

I just made an interesting discovery in our office refrigerator. Dr. Pepper is the red headed stepchild of sodas in my office. We stock our fridge with drinks every week and rarely do the Dr. Peppers run out. Diet Coke, Dasani, Coke Regular and Sprite dry up like a Texas creek in summer but the Dr. Peppers just sit there begging to be chosen. I took one today and drank it. I’m not a huge Dr. Pepper fan, even though every Texan will remind you that it was created right here in the Lone Star State. It’s funny; Dr. Pepper is kind of a regional thing. Many places in the north/northeast don’t have it and when you ask for one they will counter your request with “We don’t serve that, but we have root beer”. Root beer? It doesn’t taste anything like root beer.

A couple of unknown Dr. Pepper facts.

- It is the OLDEST soft drink in America. Created in 1885 in Waco Texas.
- Some people heat it up on the stove in the winter and drink it like hot chocolate.
- Dr. Pepper is KOSHER

Evidentially Dr. Pepper cans have a 9-month shelf life. If things in my office continue this way, the cans in our refrigerator will test that theory. I may try to import some of the soft drinks I grew up with in the deep south. The True redneck aficionados among us will know what Cheerwine and Sundrop is.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Life Interrupted

As depressing and sad as it is, I have to recommend you watch “The Bridge”. Filmmakers aimed several cameras at the golden gate bridge and captured a dozen people jumping to their deaths over the course of a year. Friends and family members were interviewed after the fact and give detailed accounts of the situations behind the suicides. It’s fascinating to witness the jumpers in their last moments and even more so to learn about their lives prior to their death. Suicide and death is a very taboo subject and rarely approached as unedited and raw as it is in this documentary. There’s no escaping the truth in “the bridge”, suicidal people are driven by emotional forces we can’t fathom. This was evident as the camera focused in on their faces as they stepped off the bridge and carried out their mission. The Golden Gate Bridge is host to dozens of suicides every year. For obvious reasons, the city of San Francisco feverishly tried to stop the release of this documentary, but was unsuccessful. The film crew redeemed themselves by calling the bridge authorities when they saw a jumper prepare to go over, they were successful in thwarting several suicides as a result.

Merv Griffin Style

What do 2 well raised gay southern gentlemen do on a Saturday night in Austin Texas while no ones looking?

They kick it Dynasty style and drink Kir Royales to oblivion at The Four Seasons then head out to the bars and dig up trailer trash for sport.

I think I’ve met my match and he wears as much gingham as I do. I may have to kick it up a notch to remain competitive. Until then this partner in crime will certainly keep things translucent.

Bourbon and branch anyone?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

LOCO motion

Ok so im in a dating slump right now. I've been digging up the real winners. This one may take the cake. He emailed me this video of himself today. Besides the fact that he has a "sweet deal with jesus", he seemes a bit off. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he suffered a major brain injury in a car accident several years ago...then he told me that the injury turned him gay. I was thrilled.

Crazy, party of one, your table is now ready....

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Accidental Jetsetting

Thanksgiving in Paris, summer in Spain? Sounds lovely..and I'm doing both thanks to yet another mistake biz class airline fare. The usual suspects and I will enjoy the city of lights for the holiday and 2 weeks on the Spanish Mediterranean for next to nothing thanks to CH's ability to find these incredible deals. I strongly advise you to dig up a mileage runner and befriend them quickly. You too can see the world from first class seats at less than economy prices.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

French Kisses and Panty Crickets.

I woke up today in my bed here in Austin and was rudely reminded that I was back in Kansas (sans Toto) and immediately missed the sensational sun kissed experience I lived in St. Maarten this past week. Relaxing in the Caribbean sun, soaking up pina coladas and swimming in the crystal clear ocean helped exceed my fantasy vacation expectations. I would undoubtedly recommend St. Maarten to anyone seeking a similar get-a-way-from-it-all scenario. Sure the roads suck, but they all lead you beaches that leave you breathless. Home cooked meals, late night swims, Carib beers and a nightly competitive game of Dice kept us busy before the following days activities. Even though the Euro is gobbling the dollar up, we managed to get out relatively unscathed.

Advice to future St, Maartiners. Rent a Villa on Orient Bay, Dine French in Margot, Day trip it to Baie Rouge (and feed the fish!), Pace yourself on Pina Coladas, Remove the hard plastic inserts from snorkeling flippers before use ( hmmmm), be VERY ok with public nudity, and of course avoid connecting through Miami at all costs!!!!!!!!!!!

Bon Vini Ya'll!


My bedroom with a view

Euro Sensibilities are everywhere.

Watch out! Seriously...
Casa Azul's Pool deck was dreamy



Casa Azul from behind


Our Inner Sanctum


Coconuts weren't so tasty.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Care Free in the Caribbean


This is what I've been waking up to for the last 5 days. As our vacation in St. Martin comes to close on Saturday, we'll be sorry to leave this vacation paradise behind.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Wanted:

Human Cause seeking female celebrity to cram yet another African atrocity down the world community's throat. Must have a convincing personality, be able to cry-on-demand and the ability to convince Americans that they are culturally insensitive if they dont rally behind you. As usual, you are not required to give any of your own money and will be paid for appearances and enjoy luxury photo-op trips to the vaginally challenged territory.

PEOPLE...When are we going to finally realize that Africa is never going to be civilized?

Female genital mutilation on rise

MSNBC/The Associated Press
July 10, 2007

LONDON - Female genital mutilation, commonly associated with parts of Africa and the Middle East, is becoming a growing problem in Britain despite efforts to stamp it out.
London’s Metropolitan Police, Britain’s largest police force, hopes a campaign beginning on Wednesday will highlight that the practice is a crime here. To make their point, police are offering a $40,000 reward for information leading to Britain’s first prosecution for female genital mutilation, Detective Chief Superintendent Alastair Jeffrey said.

In Britain, the problem mostly involves first-generation immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. Police say they don’t have comprehensive statistics about the number of victims. But midwife Comfort Momoh, who specializes in treating them at London hospitals and clinics and who works with police, told the news conference she treats 400 to 500 victims every year.
Criminal offense Arranging or carrying out the procedure — in Britain or abroad — is a criminal offense punishable by up to 14 years in prison, but no one has been prosecuted since it was banned under British law in 2003, Jeffrey said. Police estimate up to 66,000 girls in Britain face the risk of genital mutilation.

“The timing of this campaign is for one good reason: so we can get in before the summer holidays, a time when young girls are taken abroad and subjected to genital mutilation,” he told a news conference Tuesday. Mutilated infants, girls and women face irreversible lifelong health risks — both physically and mentally, according to UNICEF and other charity groups.
Authorities believe the number of genital mutilation cases peaks in the summer, because the extended school vacation gives girls more time to recover — thereby making it easier for those responsible to cover up their actions.

Female genital mutilation usually involves the removal of the clitoris and other parts of female genitalia. Those who practice it say it tames a girl’s sexual desire and maintains her honor.
It is practiced by Muslims and Christians alike, deeply rooted in the Nile Valley region and parts of sub-Saharan African, and is also done in Yemen and Oman. Through migration, the practice has spread to Western countries like Britain.
U.S. federal law specifically bans the practice.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19700137/

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Status Quo


This is not a home pregnancy test…it’s a rapid HIV test. After stabbing my fingers to death to get the 2 drops of blood the test requires, I successfully activated it and my results as indicated are negative. The test immediately detects the HIV antibody in your bloodstream and this would be indicated by 2 red lines appearing in the results window. As I watched my blood slowly soak up the test stick, my heart literally raced out of my chest. My eyes played tricks on me as the blood reached the point of no return. Of course I thought I saw two lines, then my eyes adjusted to just one..I exhaled a long sigh and starred at the lone line for about 5 minutes just to make sure another didn’t appear. In fact I periodically checked it for several hours, picking it up just to make sure. Even though I always practice safe sex and am very responsible when it comes other bedroom behaviors I always get uncontrollably nervous when I get tested. I guess when you fish in pool of sharks you will live with a constant fear of being bitten.

The obsessive compulsive in me bought 30 of these tests online and I plan on using them on myself and anyone else I get intimately familiar with. Maybe that’s over the top, but to me it makes sense. I once knew a guy (in the biblical sense) who later told me he had dated several HIV+ men and that they did not practice safe sex. He believed he was “immune” to the disease and therefore didn’t feel it necessary to tell me about his past behaviors. I completely freaked out and visited the HIV clinic 3 times in 30 days. They finally told me NOT to come back for another 60 days, which I did and all was fine. The point is, you really can’t expect the truth from group of people who have perfected the art of fear-of-rejection. Most people with HIV don’t even know they have it.

I have several friends who are living with HIV successfully. I learned through them that HIV is not reserved for crack whores and prostitutes and that it can invite itself into any socio-economic circumstance. I always think about them when I contemplate compromising my health for a good time. Being human, being male and single does create its challenges, but I’m finally old enough to employ responsible decision making processes that are based in reality not just instant gratification.

CLICK HERE to learn your status.

Friday, July 06, 2007

What I like about Texas

I get asked this question a lot and this video sums it up perfectly!

Appletude

AppleTUDE – [Ap*uhl*tood] (Noun)- The treatment one receives in an Apple store when they go to return their iphone. Usually displayed by a smart-glasses wearing, anti-establishment, $6 an hour retail employee who would rather treat you like a techno-lepper than accept the fact that the new iphone is NOT a device best suited for people on-the-go who need a business-class communications device.

Unfortunately, I can not lay claim to this extremely appropriate term, Stratocade gave birth to it during a conversation we were having about our intentions to return our new iphones. He suffered a annoying dose of Appletude while returning his, I have yet to venture to the mall to experience it for myself. I plan on going in armed with all my complaints which I will deliver at high volume in my best mad black woman voice if I am belittled by those retail queens.

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, I’m gonna stick with my CrackBerry. (Definition forthcoming)

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

iphony

Ok, so the techno-nerd that lives deep inside me reared it’s ugly head and forced me to buy an iphone over the weekend. I was in Tulsa for some fun Oral Roberts style and lucked out on grabbing one of the few remaining units left in the city (thanks to my personal concierge for picking it up for me). The design is great, functionality is in check, BUT I’m considering taking it back for a refund.

Here are my reasons why:

I dropped my 8g ipod once, the screen cracked open and now it’s useless. I could take it back to the store and have it repaired for $200, but I haven’t. The iphone is one huge screen. I’m sure it’s been drop tested, but It’s not fool proof. I drop my cell phone all the time. Sometimes I drop it when im picking it up after I’ve already dropped it. I’m a dropper damnit, and I’m not confident the iphone can coexist with me as a result.


The battery life myth Apple has perpetuated has already proven itself not to be true. I spent several hours yesterday on a plane and watched the battery indicator half itself before my eyes.


There is no “new email/message” light that alerts you from across the room. My blackberry blinks at me and I know I’ve got a new message. I have to activate the iphone, go into mail and see if there’s a new message. A simple led blinker would have been nice Mr. Jobs.


No Voice activated dialing. I use that feature on my blackberry all the time and it’s probably saved my life several times while im driving. The iphone requires full concentration and using it while driving is really not an option.


The unit itself is bigger than my blackberry and heavier. It’s an odd size, I just can’t get used to holing it in my hand and using the phone features especially.


Keyboard. The touch keyboard is small and it often mistakes the keys your hunting for. Supposedly it “learns” your typing patterns and finger radius and knows that even when your fat finger slightly touches the J key, you’re really meaning to tap the K key. I can’t imagine how it does this, I’ve mistyped many letters on the thing and it hasn’t learned a damn thing yet.


Outlook/ work server configuration is very different from blackberry. Even my company has had a slightly difficult time getting us set up on it and were rooted in technology. I can’t imagine what the less techno-savvy folks are doing about it.


Internal Battery: The battery is internal, you can get to it. If it runs down, that’s it. I like having 2 rechargeable batteries at my discretion so I can keep one charged at all time, keeps my phone uptime at 100%.


The phone/ipod combo isn’t really practical for me. I use my ipod to go running almost exclusively and carrying this $600 toy around the lake isn’t an option. Even if I just used the ipod functionality when traveling, I’m still draining valuable phone battery time in the process.
It’s expensive. I could probably save a village of children in Malawi for what it cost me to buy this thing and that would make Madonna proud.