Sleepless in Jacksonville

I had a great conversation with a Friend in Florida last night that lead to an interesting discussion. She has taken on a “project” that once completed, I am convinced will be some of her life's best work. Lisa has taken on the task of finding her colleague (a young, recently divorced, consummate southern gentleman) a new wife. She knew to immediately call me. I, too, was raised in the south by a mother who appreciated the eloquent, debonair, mannerisms that people associate with “southern gentlemen”. I yes mamm’ed and no sir’ed my way into the hearts of many people, so I speak from experience. I have had many conversations about this very topic with straight guy friends of mine who have asked me for advice on meeting good southern girls. In response to these requests, I have put together a top level list of must do’s. Hopefully these will help you find that Southern belle in waiting:

• DON’T date girls from above the Mason-Dixon Line. The culture shock with cause your relationship to eventually implode.
• Date School Teachers, not Hairstylists, Secretaries or Tanning Bed Operators.
• Baptists can only marry Presbyterians and Methodists. And vice versa.
• Wear a bowtie to church. You’ll command a lot of respect.
• Know the difference between a real Beauty Queen and a mall Glamour Shot princess.
• Always see your date without hair and makeup before you commit to anything long-term.
• Only own a pet that weighs over 50 lbs. Preferably a chocolate or black lab; they make the best Christmas cards.
• Join the Kiwanis or Rotary Club. NOT the Masons, Shriners or Knights of Columbus. They’re freaky and the Junior League doesn’t do mixers with them.
• Vacation in Hilton head or Asheville, not Myrtle Beach or Gatlinburg.
• Win her mother over first, her father will follow suit. If her parents are divorced, make sure the cause didn’t involve a ‘live boy or a dead girl’.
• And finally, Get Laid Properly. I mean like black prostitute, No Tell Motel, ruin-your-political-career kinda sex. Get it out of your system!

As always my posts come with a disclaimer: I am not to be held responsible if you do follow my suggestions and still end up with a drunken, crispy-banged, camaro-driving, acid-washed, redneck woman who ruins your life and then exposes it all for $150.00 and a free trip to Chicago to be on the Jerry Springer Show.