Macho Nachos

I had a pretty fascinating conversation late last night with a ‘friend’ of mine. He’s a Tico and has packed in a lot of experiences in his short 26 years on this earth. We have spent several evenings together since I arrived here but have never really delved into the personal side of our lives. It’s strange how its easier to connect physically, especially when there’s a cultural/language barrier present. I am always interested in hearing about others guys coming out experiences. For some strange reason I find comfort in hearing about what other people have gone through to become who they are today.

Latin America is heavily steeped in Catholicism and they also suffer from a culturally-generated personality trait called “Machismo”. The machismo vibe is stronger in certain countries, but certainly alive and kicking here in Costa Rica. The best way to describe it is that men here (both gay and straight) feel pressured to adhere to a very masculine way of presenting themselves to the outside world. They never show weakness, they don’t cry, they’re tough, feelings are secondary, etc. It’s particularly difficult for gay men in this part of the world to come to terms with their sexuality. Not only are they being spanked religiously by the Catholic Church, they also have to overcome the machismo issue. My Tico friend, Francesco, got chained to his bed and locked in his room for 3 months when his family found out he was gay. He was 15 years old. They slid food under the door and cut him off from all outside communication. They told their extended family that he was sick and could not be included in family events until he was better. On her deathbed, Francisco’s mother told him that she was dying because he was gay, when in fact she had leukemia. He spent 5 years hating himself because he believed he had killed his mother because he was gay. His father has never spoken to him since, and he has a very strained relationship with the rest of his family as a result.

It’s no wonder that many gay guys here in Latin America are married. They compartmentalize their lives; At home, they are the breadwinners and good fathers to their children and at night they sneak out and meet men for sex. They are completely comfortable with that lifestyle, having justified their actions to themselves in various ways. This phenomenon is not unique to Latin America of course, but does seem to be particularly bad here.

I dated a married guy when I was 24. I had no clue he was married. I found out during a dinner conversation at a swanky restaurant in Houston. I excused myself to the bathroom, grabbed my coat and left. The best part was that I had driven us both there. I have no clue how he got home. For years I lashed out at married gay guys I encountered until I started to think about the personal hell they live in. I realized my words were inconsequential; their pathetic lives are punishment enough.