Samantha Brown-noser

Tonight JH and I were pondering how THIS WOMAN got so lucky. She has the best job in the world. Travels worldwide, stays in fine hotels, eats great food, does cool touristy things and tells us all about it in a perfected uber-nerdy, slightly annoying kinda way. I bet she was a total band nerd in High School. Probably played the piccolo in the marching band and had an obvious crush on a studly trumpet player who was too busy dangling the color guard to notice her childish advances. She helped coordinate the yearly Anchor club quilt fundraiser and was most defiantly on the yearbook committee. She dated some Mathletes but ruined it quickly by over dramatizing everything. Pimply and braced-up teeth, she peg rolled her pleated, acid washed jeans and wore the soles off of at least 100 pairs of white Keds. The Friday night game for her consisted of ordering pizza and playing Pictionary with her gay best friend and various other fag hags. She was the slimmer, cuter of the D-list girls and usually had her pick of E to Z list boys. She never drank, smoked or cussed (out loud) and sex to her was an absolute sin. There was that time she and her main gay drank a wine cooler at a B-list party and got fake “drunk” before they got called out by the head cheerleader and shamed out of the party. Of course they went home alone and sang on her sister’s Barbie Karaoke machine all night in between prank phone calls and mirror kissing lessons. College came fast and in a matter of one semester she had gained 15 lbs, lost her virginity, had an on campus alcohol violation and successfully made the overweight limit at Kappa Delta. She stopped calling her mother every other day and decided that ‘Campus for Christ’ really wasn’t propelling her forward socially. She got wasted on the weekends, had a forced lesbian experience and finally blew that trumpet player from high school, all the while keeping her grades in check.. As her college career ended, she had undergone a complete metamorphosis and was ready to attack the job market finally without looking like a walking “Before” make-over candidate. She interned behind the camera (and under the desk) at a local news station where she met a camera man who had recently taken a job with the Travel channel. Said camera man introduced her to a producer who was casting a travel show that needed a perky, socially underdeveloped, awkwardly amusing woman for a host… and the rest, they say…is television history.