Evidentially every possible combination of scary, hairy, multi-legged, beadie eyed, slimy, come-out-at-night creatures are all in Costa Rica this week for their annual convention. The best part, my new house seems to be hosting the event. Last night, during my first official night in my new Costa Rican pad, I was awaken by a millipede crawling into my mouth. When I realized what was happening, I yelled so loud that my Security Guard, Ramone, came busting into my house with a machete. Of course Ramone speaks absolutely No English, and I speak Spanglish at best. I tried to explain to him what happened, through shitty hand signals and non translatable dialog he thought I was saying that I had seen a snake in my room, so he tore my room apart with a machete to kill it. We (we’ll He) spent 45 minutes sifting through my clothes, shoes, and other things lying on the floor.
Ramone lives in a “dwelling” with no windows or doors outside my house. I’m sure he’s dined with scorpions and slept with snakes, so there’s no way I was going to tell him that he was hunting for a bug in my room at 2:30 am while I stood on top of my bed in my underwear. I called an exterminator today and have declared all out war on the bugs. I broke some legs too, and told them to go back and show all their friends what happens when you invade casa su Jason.
Ramone left a can of scorpion spray on my doorstep this morning with a note that I cant read.
5 Other things I have learned during my first official week in Central America:
American= Rich (note-to-self)
Average Costa Rican Salary= $300 US Monthly
If it’s unseasonably Hot= Earthquakes
Nicaraguans= 2nd class citizens
Pineapples are to Costa Ricans what Pine Cones are to Americans
THE BAD: It took 3 days to bet a mattress delivered, 6 days to get internet access and cable. I have to retry cell phone calls sometimes 10-15 times before they will go out. Power comes and goes. Everyone wants a receipt, even if you are buying the merchandise. And everyones on Tico-time… which means “Ill do it when I damn well please”
THE GOOD: Pineapples are 30 cents. Electricity bills are rarely over 10 dollars. You can throw seeds down on the ground and they will grow almost overnight. The people are very friendly and the Italian food here is primo! (Strange but true)
Pura Vida Y’all.
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3 comments:
God's getting you back for putting rubber snakes at your friend's house in Austin. Are you sure that was not a rubber insect (or whatever family it belongs to).
Just knowing that there was such a thing as, let alone a market for and a need for, scorpion spray would give me a real warm fuzzy feeling.
Let me translate that note for you:
"Dear stupid gringo. I put the milipede in your mouth as you slept. I'm going to continue to do this everynight until you give up and run back to your spolied american country.
Love,
Ramon"
HOLA CHULO!!!
I recommend you have someone out to soundproof your bedroom. Not only will this give you a restful night's sleep, the lack of gaps between walls, doors and windows will keep those pesky critters out.
If that doesn't work, try having them fumigate under your house (I presume it's pier & beam) with Chlordane. It has a half-life of about 500 years, and it will knock the hell out of any bugs in your pad. Ever noticed you've never seen one of the famous Tarrytown "Palmetto Bugs" in my house? That's why - back when Chlordane was legal in the USA, they fumigated with it. That level of protection is worth a little liver damage...
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