Samantha Brown-noser

Tonight JH and I were pondering how THIS WOMAN got so lucky. She has the best job in the world. Travels worldwide, stays in fine hotels, eats great food, does cool touristy things and tells us all about it in a perfected uber-nerdy, slightly annoying kinda way. I bet she was a total band nerd in High School. Probably played the piccolo in the marching band and had an obvious crush on a studly trumpet player who was too busy dangling the color guard to notice her childish advances. She helped coordinate the yearly Anchor club quilt fundraiser and was most defiantly on the yearbook committee. She dated some Mathletes but ruined it quickly by over dramatizing everything. Pimply and braced-up teeth, she peg rolled her pleated, acid washed jeans and wore the soles off of at least 100 pairs of white Keds. The Friday night game for her consisted of ordering pizza and playing Pictionary with her gay best friend and various other fag hags. She was the slimmer, cuter of the D-list girls and usually had her pick of E to Z list boys. She never drank, smoked or cussed (out loud) and sex to her was an absolute sin. There was that time she and her main gay drank a wine cooler at a B-list party and got fake “drunk” before they got called out by the head cheerleader and shamed out of the party. Of course they went home alone and sang on her sister’s Barbie Karaoke machine all night in between prank phone calls and mirror kissing lessons. College came fast and in a matter of one semester she had gained 15 lbs, lost her virginity, had an on campus alcohol violation and successfully made the overweight limit at Kappa Delta. She stopped calling her mother every other day and decided that ‘Campus for Christ’ really wasn’t propelling her forward socially. She got wasted on the weekends, had a forced lesbian experience and finally blew that trumpet player from high school, all the while keeping her grades in check.. As her college career ended, she had undergone a complete metamorphosis and was ready to attack the job market finally without looking like a walking “Before” make-over candidate. She interned behind the camera (and under the desk) at a local news station where she met a camera man who had recently taken a job with the Travel channel. Said camera man introduced her to a producer who was casting a travel show that needed a perky, socially underdeveloped, awkwardly amusing woman for a host… and the rest, they say…is television history.

Popcorn PSA

Do youself a favor and NEVER burn microwave popcorn. I did just that 4 days ago and the smell is still lingerning all over my house. Apparently this problem isnt unique to me. I think im going to have to get a new microwave.

Damn...

Keeping up with the Joneses

So RS and I accomplished another item on the list of 1000 Gay things you must do before you die on Friday night. We bought $10 dollar tickets to the Shirley Jones concert and retrospective at the Riverbend Church Center here in A-town.. I must admit, I knew next to nothing about the woman before going in, but was pleasantly surprised by her repertoire. Sure she donned the world’s ugliest haircut and matriarched the partridge family back in the 70’s, but long before that her career was chocked full of theatre, musicals, movies not to mention years of terrible personal style and wardrobe choices. Friday was no exception. Her drag-inspired sequined disaster dresses and grandma singing voice begged that question “who told her this was a good idea?” But the ‘Oklahoma’ and ‘Music Man’ tunes towards the end made it all worth our while. I think even armchair quarterbacks would admit that the Music Man is one of the best movie musicals ever written.

Shirley brought the pews down and had the crowd screaming halleluiah Jesus and im glad I was there to witness the bedazzled miracle first hand. Not many left like her.

On This Day In History

September 23, 1996

“….I followed Stacey, Ann and Lynn to a gay bar in Raleigh tonight called Legends. It was my first time going there or to a gay bar for that matter. I was so nervous I forced Stacey to hold my hand as we made our way through the crowd. She pulled me aside away from our friends and sat me down on a bar stool. She looked dead-on at me, tears were welling up in her eyes, I knew that she was about to say something important. While I have always known that she was gay, I never asked her about it out of respect for her feelings. I’m not sure if it was the environment we were in, or the fact she was so emotional about her coming out, but I responded back by telling her I was gay as well. Before I could stop myself, It came flowing out effortlessly. Realizing it was the first time I have ever uttered those words to anyone, a tear dropped from my right eye that carried with it 20 years of secrecy and shame. I hugged her neck and could feel our bond instantly grow stronger 10 fold. We danced together for the next 3 hours among the crowd, feeling like members of the flock.

Tonight I came out to another human being. Even as I write this I can’t believe it. I’m back in the dorm now, Ben is asleep with his trashy girlfriend 3 feet to my right and I am sitting over here a completely new person. If he only knew. ”

Taken from a journal I used to keep back when it was necessary.

Just scratching the surface

I really didn't pay much attention to this when it was first unveiled in May until today when my Microsoft rep sent me a huge file chocked full of all the cool things this thing can do. I found this video that explains the new "Surface" computer in layman's terms. Everything from Media sharing to splitting the bill at a restaurant will never be the same.... We will soon be visually managing our lives... Just Delicious!

Dangerous Liaisons

Here's a little long distance dedication to a good (married) friend of mine who's caught up in a scandalous affair with a man who is also married. While I think what shes doing is completely wrong, I must admit, her entire demeanor lights up when she speaks about him to me. I know eventually she'll do whats best for her (and her family), but for now, someone is loving her in the way she's always wanted for herself. As a friend, I will always support her in her quest to achieve a higher level of happiness. I am also compelled to remind her what the consequences of her actions will be if her house of cards comes crashing down anytime soon. I know from personal experience that once you have reached the place in your relationship where you seek emotional support from someone else, it's very hard to turn that back towards the partner you took it away from. It's not impossible to fix, but it takes some serious work on both parts. In my friends case, I know her husband isn't capable of devoting the kind of time and attention necessary to bring his marriage back on the right track if it ever comes to that.

Of course that and a buck fifty will get you a cup of coffee at Denny's.

She always tells me that she and the 'other' guy love eachother like it's their first time...and for obvious reasons I always think of her when I hear this song..

Next Stop...Financial Freedom

Do you hate the company you work for and need a cool million at the same time? Go here and report their software piracy and you can kill two birds with one stone.

Yes folks, thats 1 Million-whistle-blowing-dollars. Tell em I sen't ya..

It's come to this...

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God for causing "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction.”.

Even though the Senator isn't being serious, I'll bet the 911 "victims families" and "katrina victims" are lawyering up anyway...That is if they can stop demanding handouts for one second.

Life goes on people.....

Rude Awakening

I’ve been fighting the urge to admit to myself that the Austin I loved and adored is all but lost to new high-rise condo construction, a massive influx of people and the demolition of the city infrastructure that I had grown to love. After encountering a satellite parking lot, shuttle bus ride and an hour plus wait at The Oasis last night, there’s no more denying it. The Austin that first greeted me in 1999 has all but disappeared. What’s replaced it is poorly constructed ‘high end’ developments, tens of thousands of tasteless nuevo riche West coasters, unreachable real estate prices, Katrican’s and a rising crime rate.

For years Austin was a sleepy college town that only hosted the state government and a few early adopters. Most Texans were too busy jockeying for position in Houston and Dallas to care about this hill country city in the center of the state. The University of Texas gathered hippies and other nardowells from all over the country and most of them stayed in Austin and opened head shops and organic businesses that needed very little to sustain themselves. Downtown consisted of a few scattered office buildings, no retail and very few restaurants. There was no such thing as paid parking anywhere and Austinite’s balked at a 15-minute wait at a restaurant or the Post Office. The old-timers enjoyed beautiful weather, tons of green space, lakes and a bottom-of-the-barrel cost of living. It was a lifestyle that most would envy.

The first hint of real change happened around 2000 when Austin became one of the start-up/dot.bomb epicenters of the universe. At one time there were over 150 VC funded start-up internet companies happening here and that’s when I joined the ranks. I remember people complaining about the “change” then, although it paled in comparison to whats going on today. Tons of dot com “thousandaires” popped up around town and the cost-of-living jumped from next to nothing to somewhat reasonable almost overnight.

Best I can gather, somewhere between 2002-2005 Austin suddenly became a prime Target for the Northern Californian transplants. They had already devoured (and ruined) Portland, Seattle and Denver and finally found their way south to Austin. Austin’s mild climate and topography are very familiar to those folks, that coupled with the high-tech focused industry here sealed Austin’s fate as the next city on the list on their destruction tour of the US. I have heard estimates that over 100 Californians are moving here every day which is almost unbelievable. But it becomes all too real when you visit restaurants whose parking lots are packed with oversized SUV’s with California license plates or when you sniff around the real estate market and realize you can’t buy anything inhabitable in town for under 500K.

The question becomes; Do you acclimate to the city that Austin has become and fight the good fight or do you look for another mid-large size town to start-up in again? It’s not fair to think that I should be forced to abandon the place that I love and leave everything I’ve built here behind because the new comers have pushed the city into a millennium that ignores a good majority of it’s inhabitants (including myself). I don’t think I could ever leave, even if Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes mayor, Kaballah was mandatory and my neighborhood was renamed Bellaire east. The underlying principles that make Austin special to me will always be there. I may have to peel back the layers but I know under the granite substitute and stainless steel fronts it’s still there.
I have 1 special place here in the city that I go to when I need to experience the ‘old’ Austin I fell in love with all those years ago. Luckily, it has remained untouched since I first discovered it. I wont tell you where it is, but know that I’m probably there if my cars not in the drive and im not answering my phone.

Walkin' and Talkin'

As I mentioned in a previous post I'm in Houston this week for a speaking engagement at the PSRA conference. After having spoken at several events in the past I realized tonight as I was preparing my slides that I've got this down pat, no problem. I remember getting all fluttery and nervous in the past the night before speaking; scurrying to pull together my comments and slap together a presentation that made sense. It took a couple of times before I realized that my talks are much more successful when I partially 'wing it' rather than work directly from a PowerPoint outline. I actually know this stuff and I don't need to write it down. I still haven't overcome my 'over-speaking' problem, which always rears it's ugly head when I'm slightly nervous. I will go into deep detail on topics rather than giving a brief, effective overview and moving on. I have always overcompensated in uncomfortable situations with excessive talk, some call it a gift, I call it a social band-aid. Sometimes I get ahead of myself, forget to breathe and then my voice box gets jittery, which doesn't look good in front of 2500 people. I asked a media coach about it and he gave me some tips on breathing techniques to use during my talk that seem to combat that problem...he also suggested a shot of whiskey before I go on, so I took his comments with a grain of salt.

I'm actually going to get to bed at a decent hour tonight. I returned to my room from dinner to find another goodnight note accompanied with a Wonder Woman PEZ candy dispenser (Walk on sister!) on my pillow from the Hotel. Ill probably take that along tomorrow for good luck. I will use her deflecting wristbands to thwart any overly complicated questions that might arise from the audience? Oh and , the sugar rush will certainly calm any nerves I might have.

Aging Up

2 things happened to me this past weekend that abruptly reminded me of my age.

1. CR literally drug me out to a party on Saturday night. He didn’t tell me until the very last minute that it was an 80’s party and the median age there would be, well, um…23. I’m still hoping that the sprinkled cupcakes, balloons and cheap liquor in plastic bottles were all part of the kitch. The music was spot on, we lip synced Pat Benetar, watched Blair’s retarded cousin visit the facts of life girls and had periodic deep discussions with the ’kids’ about all things 80’s. One dapper young man in particular mentioned that he was born in 1987 and he had to do some online research on the 80’s to figure out how to dress appropriately. At that very moment I snatched the drink out of CR’s hand and we promptly left the party. Dignity partially in tact.


2. I watched the train wreck that was the MTV video Music Awards. Britney’s lackluster performance helped set the stage for the rest of the pathetic show. I officially realized on Sunday that I have outgrown MTV and that’s a pretty big deal. I didn’t get the jokes (or they just weren’t funny), I didn’t get the ‘presenters’, evidently Rap and R&B have officially taken over popular music as we know it, and the production value sent my ADD into overdrive.

I guess I can’t hang in “The Hills” anymore, or “Next” any more bad dates…But I can and will continue to blast Pat Benetar songs and have Flashdance shower moments….I’ve been a fan since the beginning and that’s something this sad new generation can’t claim.

“We are young, heartache to heartache we stand, No promises no demands….”

Unchained in Houston.

Ya'll know I love a good hotel...and because I like to spread the love, I have to recommend Hotel ZaZa in Houston. I arrived here just today and I'm already a fan. As if the over the top fashonista decor, music piped into every corner and beautiful clientele isn't enough, housekeeping just delivered some delicious fruit sushi to my room along with an edible note wishing me sweet dreams.

Of course by staying here for the week I'm not earning any big chain reward points; But id rather sleep in an overstuffed, under lit, claw footed bed, watch a 50 Inch LCD TV affixed to a mirrored wall, enjoy Bulgari toiletries and get sweet nightly surprises from the staff any day. Can you blame a guy?

Kawobunga Rarotonga

We have managed to squeeze a 4-day trip to Rarotonga into our Australia/New Zealand trip itinerary this Christmas. Rarotonga is an extremely remote destination in the Cook Islands just past Tahiti in the South Pacific. All accounts indicate that we may have stumbled upon Paradise on earth. Very few people visit there and as a result it's unspoiled and extremely economical. We are renting a bungalow on the ocean and will enjoy being the last people on earth to celebrate New Years Eve 2007 as it lies just before the international date line waaaay out in the south pacific. I can't think of a better way to celebrate. Rarotonga Yall!

Factoids:

1. They use a 3 dollar bill

2. Survivor was filmed there in 2004

3. 9,000 people live there now, and the population is shrinking.

4. Homosexuality is viewed as a natural way of life, as it is in most of Polynesia.

5. Cell phone service was non existant until 2005

I am worthy

My Starbucks guy intimidates the hell out of me. I stop by every morning on my way to work for my Grande Non Fat Vanilla Latte (with an extra shot if im tired) and the this-Isn’t-my-real-job guy with smart glasses who takes my order snarls at my coffee choice like I’ve just ordered a Boones farm on the rocks. I always feel really stupid and common after I leave.

I guess in the Starbucks drink ordering strata im not really high on the list. I think that’s reserved for the soy chi-latte and extra black coffee crowd. I just wish I didn’t get so ferclemped every time I step inside those doors and approach the counter. He stares at me, never says hello and barks my order to the barista, rarely ever making contact. I’m kind of attracted to him in a this-is-my-nerdy-boyfriend-whose-going-to-save-the-spotted-salamander way. He has sandy brown hair that shags in his face, but thankfully not in a Zach Effron kinda way. He wears dark rimmed square cut glasses and just seems really smart. Id prefer to believe he’s a PHD student working on his thesis about the Environmental impact of coffee processing water runoff, although im pretty sure he’s just an Austin band slacker. Very few people effect me like this guy does, and I don’t even know his name.

In an effort to get in his good coffee graces, Im going to start some small talk tomorrow. Maybe ill ask what he prefers to drink and try that instead of my usual. Maybe then he’ll see that im not just some tragically preppy commoner who climbs out of his big car and comes to Starbucks because it’s slightly in vogue.

Fish Bowl....

Who knew they have toilets in the middle of the bay......

And Charlie isn't afraid to use it...

Beachin it

Down 1, but still kickin it OBX style.



My McMansion in the sand

CR gettin situated and lookin pretty

KV giving face

MY OBX in BnW

Everyone has a special place. Mine is my family's beach house on the Outer Banks NC. I'm sharing it with 3 special friends for the next few days. Every time I'm here, I realize how lucky I am to be able to enjoy such a wonderful place. I love it when my worlds collide. My old life and my new one. That's how I feel when I bring friends out here. Every night when the harvest moon rises over the ocean I think about the memories we are creating here. Ones we will breath to life into again and again when the need arises..



Barely Reaching...



Dune at Dusk


Home away from home


My Secret Window

Wheres theres smoke....

Senator Craig was investigated in 1982 for inappropriate sexual advances towards Young Senate Pages (yes, boys) and more recently was arrested last week in a bathroom sex scandal where he attempted to solicit sex from an undercover male police officer. He has decided to insult the public's intelligence by denying his interest in men and claiming that is the target of a "witch hunt" in both cases.

The wonderful irony here is his voting record against gay and lesbian initiatives including his support for the defense of marriage act and he voted against a bill that would have outlawed employment discrimination based on sexual orientation, which failed by a single vote in the Senate in 1996.

America loves a good hypocrite.

ED eats corn

Our ED campaign TV spot starts running in Iowa this week. My media machine is purring like a kitten, driving insane traffic to the site. When the Gates and Rockefeller's write your checks, things happen.

EQ's BofA PSA

Thank god Bank Of America is protecting it’s customers accounts and sending out emails to remind them to update their online account information or face account ‘termination’. They even put a link in the email that will take you directly to the account update page so you don’t have to hunt for it on the B of A website. So thoughtful. I immediately put in my account information and updated it so online fraudsters can’t access my account and steal my money. I suggest you do the same when you receive an email like this! Don't let the typos and poor grammar scare you, they were in such a hurry to get this out to their customers they didn't pay attention to detail. The important thing is that you got the email and reply with the appropriate information in a timely manner before online scammers gain access to your account!! You'll get the last laugh!

The cough of 1812

It's 12:30 and I should be in bed fast asleep but im not because im jacked up on sudafed, claratin and some strange cough suppressant in a futile attempt to rid myself of a henus cough I've had for about 2 weeks now. I never get sick, but when I do, I make up for lost time. This just sucks.

I read in my local hometown newspaper that theres been an outbreak of Whooping Cough there recently. Who gets whooping cough anymore? Maybe I could go for a last-century trifecta and add Typhoid fever and a touch of Cholera to my ailment list. Clearly I need some mustard plaster.

Grounded...for now..

In turn for devoting 20+ years of her life to the evolution of hospice care, my mother was honored this past week by the naming of the new wing of the hospice hospital building in her honor. The ‘McQueen Wing’ will stand as a testament to her determination and hard work to build that program into a statewide model and most importantly a pillar of our community. Familiar faces who have graced my family’s past came out of the woodwork to celebrate moms years of service and their kind words didn’t leave a dry eye in the house.

While my mom hated every minute of it, we enjoyed hearing speech after speech about how she has touched peoples lives and transformed the experience of death for so many. While mom has always done her work in the shadows, never inviting or accepting much praise, she was forced to face the music this week as we convened at the very place it all began and finally accepted the recognition that she deserved.

I know she won’t stay ‘retired’ for long. Her innate need to help others will manifest itself in some other form. Until then, she’ll spend her days doing crossword puzzles, folding laundry and watching daytime talk shows like she used to before god handpicked her to do his work here on the ground.

You haven't lived...

Unitl you've been here!

1. Had a conversation with a toothless gentleman about the best way to barbeque a pigeon. He was selling them for $15 a pair.

2. Watched my CEO step in a huge pile of cow shit in his $800 shoes.

3.Ate deep fried pecans covered in cinamon sugar

4.Saw more 'I love Hot Mom's' t-shirts than I thought possible.

5. Found the place where all pleated acid washed denim jean shorts have gone to die.

Louisville Sluggish

I'm in Louisville on a biz trip. I sat through the most agonizing meeting for 8 hours today.

The topic: Coal

Do I really need to ellaborate?

At least I'm living in high style downtown at The Brown. I've been indulging myself with reserve bourbon and Hot Brown's since I arrived.

I wish I could live in a Hotel...

I got misconnected!

So I finally received a missed connection today on Craig’s List. I got several phone calls/emails from friends alerting me to it. Clearly it was staged by someone I know… but whom….? All the usual suspects are denying involvement… Whoever it was, thank you….it made my day!!

When do you become the Asshole?

I was driving to work (late) yesterday and some guy bumped me from behind with his car. It was hard enough to notice but not severe enough to call the police, etc. I hopped out of my car while he sat in his literally pulling his hair like some sort of crack addict.
I looked at my bumper, no dents, just one scratch that measures about 2 inches in length…hardly noticeable. BUT, I notice it, AND it wasn’t there before he hit me AND I want it fixed.

As I looked at the scratch, the perpetrator stayed in his car, pulling his hair and showed no indication of taking official responsibility for it. He leaned out of his window and said “im so sorry. Glad there’s no damage”. Then he said that he was having a really bad day, there was some incoherent babble about a death, etc. The entire time im thinking to myself, but there is damage, there’s a scratch.

Before I go further, I must say something in my defense. All 2005 E-Class Mercedes were still made in Stuttgart. They aren’t the plasticy, Chrystler USA built lower end C-Class models that have interchangeable snap on/off parts. It’s much more expensive to have repairs done on my model and yes even scratches can cost you $1000 to fix.

So I was at this point where I had to make a decision. Do I pull this guy out of his car and get his insurance details over a small scratch at the risk of sounding like some sort of neurotic OCD junkie, or do I just wave at him and say “no problem” and go….So I had to decide if I become the Asshole?

I decided that I wasn’t dressed well enough for the Asshole part and just let it go. Now I have a small scratch on my bumper that no one can see unless I point it out. BUT I know its there and im going to get it fixed. “Gertie” deserves it. She’s been good to me these last 7 months.

This way please Ms. Astor.

My favorite over-the-top NY socialite Brooke Astor died today at 105. In her lifetime she gave away over 200 million dollars to New York cities cultural institutions, held fabulous parties at her 5th avenue penthouse, hung an origional Rembrant over her toilet, and authored one my favorite phrases in the world...

..."Money is like Manure, it needs to be spread around"

.

Walk on Sister!

And....Scene

Merv Griffin died today in Palm Springs. I’m just torn up about it! I would give about anything to go back to 1978 and attend one of his fabulous Palm Springs dinner parties that im sure he threw.

The guest list would include Joan Collins, Dinah Shore, John Davidson, Dianne Carol, Connie Francis, Rip Taylor, Bob Hope, Joan Rivers, Lucy Ball, Paul Lynde and of course Sonny and Cher.

We would start the evening with cocktails by the pool, Kir Royales and Gimlets possibly. On the menu, Steak Dianne served with a twice baked potato; Seasonal salad topped with Green Goddess dressing and Cherries Jubilee for dessert.

After dinner, everyone would gather around the white grand piano in the sunken living room with Brandy Alexander’s and listen to Merv bang out some old standards before we all climbed into our white Cadillac stretch limousines and headed home. Our gift bags would include an advanced copy of Airport 1977 (the Concorde edition), 2 tickets to the Merv Griffin Show and a stainless fondue set for 2.

I would write a thank you note and send it by way of merv ‘executive assistant’ Rico. Of course we would all know who Rico really was, but we would obviously dance around the truth to remain in Merv’s good graces.

I know Merv is in heaven sitting on a pink cloud looking down at all that he created here on earth not once thinking to himself…”what was I wearing?”. I’d imagine his over-the-top mansion in the sky sits next to Liberace’s and competes in gaudiness. That wouldn’t stop me from stopping by and saying hello, hoping he answers the door in a paisley smoking jacket and sporting an ascot. I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Google Answers

I was having an email conversation with a friend of mine who is contemplating a divorvce from his wife. He was asking me if I knew any good lawyers and how much did I think it might cost. Thanks to Google contextual Ad's that pop up along side your emails in gmail I found an answer for him immediatly.

Ads by Google

Texas Divorce
$149/48 hrs Child/property
Seen on CNN- Forms done by professionals-Guaranteed
www.instantdivorces.com

A divorce in 48 Hours? WOW.

DC Delivers.....again

I’ve written about dating in DC before. I met a guy here yesterday and liked him so much I extended my stay another day so we could hang out again. It sure is nice not having to squeeze intelligent conversation out of bartenders, waiters and retail queens at least for a weekend.

He's an architect. He took me on a tour of his favorite buildings in his neighborhood last night at 2 am. He cooked me breakfast this morning. I knew it was love because there were grits on the plate.

We spent the first part of the day at the National Museum of the American Indian ,which is highly recommended , where I learned that all Indians aren't drunks who mismanage gambling revenues. Who knew? We grabbed a sandwich and went to the national gallery sculpture garden fountain and dangled our feet in the water and ate our lunch. The weather couldn't have been better, it finally cooled down to 95 degrees.

I forced Chris to email me a photo so I can use it as a reminder that there are normal, sane, accomplished, well put together gay men out there who appreciate things you cant find find in an Abercrombie catalog or in some bar after 1 am.

I invoke the dating gods to send me a replica of this gentleman in Austin. If that cant be accomplished, please permanently reduce the airfare between Austin and Washington.

Survival of the Cutest

Im in love with Bear Grylls. His show on The Discovery Channel is fascinating...

.........even when he has to drink his own urine....

Judiasm For Sale

I just had a fascinating conversation with a colleague of mine here in DC. He's Jewish and told me that he and his young wife had to pay almost 5,ooo just to join a synagogue here. For high holy days (Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, etc) they have to pay MORE money to receive an admission ticket or they'll be turned away.

Can you fucking believe that?

Capitol Flasher

I ran around the Washington Monument tonight as I always do when I'm in DC. I love that run, even when it is still 90 degrees at 8pm. I especially love watching people taking night photos of the monument with their camera Flash on. Like it's going to illuminate the monument anymore than it already is. Most point and shoot camera flashes have an effective flash range of about 10-20 feet. I had to re-route my run towards the Capital Mall because the camera flashes were creating such a strobe effect at the monument that I was seeing spots when I closed my eyes. I think 15 747 jumbo jets full of Asian tourist must have landed today, they were creepy-crawling everywhere and god knows they angle in for some photo ops, flash and all.

Missed Connections

Periodically I place bullshit missed connection ads on Craigslist for sport. For those of you who don’t know what a “missed connection ad” is, they are semi-personal ads placed by people who almost met someone they were interested in. Typically no exchange of words took place and often the “connection” is one sided. Nonetheless, at least one party is interested in meeting the other, and they live with high hopes that the objects of their affection will read their ad, realize it’s the ad is for them and then respond in kind. So yes, basically these should be renamed “Fear Of Rejection” Ads.

While my friends and I all openly chastise the people who actually place these ads for real, we all secretly visit the missed connection section everyday to see if someone’s left one for us. I recently dreamed up the following ad after a conversation with CR about what officially constitutes a “missed connection”. There seems to be some confusion among the posting public as to what a “missed connection” actually is. The general consensus is that both parties must acknowledge each other with extended eye contact, a suddle nod or some other quasi-action of endearment. There is also a circumference parameter that must be met, but this can vary depending on whether or not binoculars are present at both ends.

So I tested the waters, wrote a ridiculously vague and impossible ad and posted it yesterday.

Here it is:

(click to enlarge)

I'll have you know, to date I have recieved 12 responses to that ad from people who were driving on I35 yesterday and want to connect. Yes, so very sad but true. To the publics credit I recieved about as many clever BS responses from people who got the joke, but im still in shock and awe that there are that many desperados out there who would seriously respond to that.

Heres my next one.. if someone answers this im gonna have to arrange an in person consultation.

Hamas Haute Couture

I actually saw woman in one of these in Cancun last Christmas. Her nasty abusive mid eastern husband was barking orders at her at the pool, making her go get him drinks over and over while she baked in the 100+ degree heat in a BLACK head to toe lycra burqua. Of course he had on a speedo which made him look like a gorilla in a diaper. I thinkwe should send Gloria Allred over there, see what she can straighten out before her head gets chopped off during prime time on Al Jazeera.

Hungry Shopping

Don't ever go to the grocery store when you're hungry. I did just that yesterday and came home with over $100 worth of items, none of which could be combined in any way to make a proper meal. The problem is, you think of things you want to make as you browse the aisles and you start to collect items for that meal but you're so hungry that by the time you reach the next aisle you forget about the previous meal you were buying for and move on to something else as equally tantalizing. By the time you reach the checkout, you've got 1/3 of the items you need for 4 or 5 different meals that have nothing to do with each other. It's frustrating as hell when you finally get home and realize you've done nothing to feed yourself. That's when you start getting creative with the condiments in your refrigerator door and whatever you have lingering in your pantry. Last night's creation, Spaghetti noodles with salsa and capers. I'm now calling it Fiesta Spaghetti con caper. And yes, it's as disgusting as it sounds..but slightly less so when your stomach is literally eating itself from hunger. Next on deck.... Ketchup-Basil soup with stale Tortilla crudites or maybe a nice braised pepporoni stick with an olive oil/watery mustard demiglaze.

Some items I bought:

A personal-sized watermelon, Hush Puppy Mix, Ginger Salad Dressing, Dill weed, Pepperoni, Lime-Aid, Tomatillos, Rondele Cheese and a People Magazine.

From Dignified to Debaucherous in Record Time

Bottle of Marques de Caceres 2003 Rioja = 20.00

Smoked Salmon and nibbly things= 25.00

The look on ones face when they wake up 3 deep in a double bed with vague memories of gratis liquor shots and sleezy introductions = PRICELESS

ED-U-CATE

We have submitted 3 taped questions to ABC news for this weekends televised republican presidential debate. They have all made it to the final round.

Check them out and rate them. The highest rated will be braodcast for the candidates during the debate and George Stephanopoulos will promt them all to answer it.

Question 1
Question 2
Question 3

You cant complain if you don't get involved!

It's official.

Ok im just gonna say say it......

Asian women can not drive.

Hate mail commence...

Whole Headache

I am sitting in my office right now eating brown rice sushi with organic soy sauce..I really HATE the fact that Whole Foods is the nearest place for me to quickly grab some lunch. Not only did I just drop 30 bucks for 3 items.. I just spent 20 minutes hunting for a parking space in their way-too-small parking lot and I missed an important phone call as a result.

I cant wait for Wal-Mart to open their natural foods stores. Not only will the prices be 50-75% cheaper, it'll be fun watching trailer trash contemplate tofu and gluten free products.

It's Kashi Y'all...

Financial Full Circle

They've recently opened a Wachovia Bank by my house here in Austin. Having grown up in NC (where Wachovia started) Im always reminded of home when I drive by it. My first checking account was at Wachovia. I remember going down to the "big" branch downtown and opening it the summer before I left for school. I guess the bank and my dad didn't do a great job of explaining how checking accounts actually work; I thought that if you had checks in your checkbook then you had money in your account to cover them. I wrote checks all day long, and my dad would be called to the bank to deposit more money into the account to cover them. Needless to say, Wachovia itself held an interesting stake in my father and I's relationship for many years.

I've been through many banking iterations since leaving Wachovia in 1997. NationsBank, Bank of America, Compass, Digital Federal Credit Union...and Monday I decided to go back to where it all started and moved everything back to Wachovia. When my check card arrived in the mail today it was kinda like a classy letter from home...Welcoming me back to the south as I know it.

Checks and Balances

Who the hell still writes checks in a grocery store and why? Just use your damn debit card. Please don’t counter me with some bullshit “I like to keep a record” response. You can still keep a record of your spending when you use your debit card. Just write down the amount in a ledger when you use it (just like you do with checks). Not to mention it virtually erases the posibilty of a bounced or returned check. I demand answers from the check writing public.

I lived in a third world country last year and EVERYONE there used debit cards. Checks were non-existent. People in Europe and Asia are using their cell phones to pay for things now.. Just point it at a drink machine or train ticket dispenser and the funds are automatically taken out of your checking account. Why are Americans so behind on the electronic payment phenomenon?

Way over the top

I decided yesterday that we needed to stay in the Coco Chanel Suite at the Ritz in Paris for our Thanksgiving trip. Not only is it where she lived for 13 years of her life, it's the room where Princess Diana was staying when she was killed 10 years ago. I inquired about pricing..at 9,000 euros a night (thats 12,375 usd), It's clearly not a viable option. During Fashion week in Paris, the rooms cost skyrockets to 20,000 euros a night.

I bet Coco and Brooke Astor had tea on the veranda there numerous times. Fabulousness cup overfloweth.

La madone française

My friend Mr. Big sent me some Cd's last week from his newest client Mylene Farmer. I've been listening to them all week. Evidently she's the "French Madonna". A Google search taught me that she's sold over 20 million albums worldwide and is immensely popular in the french speaking countries. She definitely pushes the envelope. She has a song called "fuck them all" and video where she strips completely naked. Sounds like my kinda people. Watch out America, here she comes..

Mylene Farmer featuring MOBY.

Uncovering The Naked Truth

A few weeks ago I received a distress signal from a friend in Florida. Her colleague suspects her BF may be gay and she needs help. In an attempt to save one woman from a lifetime of lies and a non-existent sex life, I immediately went into action.

Mrs. XXXXXX
Tallahassee, Florida 33601

July 10, 2007

Dear Mrs. XXXXX.

I am writing in response to a message I received from your office on July 10, 2007. I would be happy to discuss our homo ID services with you in further detail at your convenience. As you know, we have a patented outing process that has helped thousands of clueless women discover the deep penetrating truth about the men in their lives. Our 12 step HomoID process evaluates all of the potential points of gay penetration and calculates a rank score much like the Kinsey scale. Most people we work with are surprised to learn that the men they know fall somewhere in between “Crack whore Tranny” and “Mulleted trailer trash” on our pole smoking scale. Studies have shown us that significant percentages (40%) have previously engaged in mutual masturbation and or drunken fraternity fellatio and a strong 15% are cognitive undercover homos masquerading under the socially acceptable term ‘metro-sexual’.

As part of our service we will also provide a free six pack of beer and a copy of ‘Threesome’ which can be viewed with one of our trained conversion therapists. We employ a range of men who are highly trained male “companions” who can secretly infiltrate our client’s lives and cleverly bait and switch their unsuspecting boyfriends into a compromising position in record time. Please note, there is an additional cost for work done in trailer parks, in the Bible belt or with the morbidly obese.

I would also like to note that we have recently added “Gay Care” services for new moms on the go whose busy schedules don’t allow for proper queer training for their infants. This includes, but is not limited to, Infant Couture consulting, “My First Show tunes” training and Madonna 101. Availability is tight, so contact us quickly if you’re interested.

In closing, I am confident that we can help your colleague discover the truth that lies deep inside her boyfriend. The fact that she has raised the question already is a clear cut indication that trouble may be brewing between his jean short clad thighs. I will be sending you our latest whitepaper that outlines some additional warning signs to watch out for, I hope you will find it helpful.

Thank you for contacting us and I will look forward to speaking with you soon.

Regards,

Eyeque, Proprietor

Are you a Pepper?

I just made an interesting discovery in our office refrigerator. Dr. Pepper is the red headed stepchild of sodas in my office. We stock our fridge with drinks every week and rarely do the Dr. Peppers run out. Diet Coke, Dasani, Coke Regular and Sprite dry up like a Texas creek in summer but the Dr. Peppers just sit there begging to be chosen. I took one today and drank it. I’m not a huge Dr. Pepper fan, even though every Texan will remind you that it was created right here in the Lone Star State. It’s funny; Dr. Pepper is kind of a regional thing. Many places in the north/northeast don’t have it and when you ask for one they will counter your request with “We don’t serve that, but we have root beer”. Root beer? It doesn’t taste anything like root beer.

A couple of unknown Dr. Pepper facts.

- It is the OLDEST soft drink in America. Created in 1885 in Waco Texas.
- Some people heat it up on the stove in the winter and drink it like hot chocolate.
- Dr. Pepper is KOSHER

Evidentially Dr. Pepper cans have a 9-month shelf life. If things in my office continue this way, the cans in our refrigerator will test that theory. I may try to import some of the soft drinks I grew up with in the deep south. The True redneck aficionados among us will know what Cheerwine and Sundrop is.

Life Interrupted

As depressing and sad as it is, I have to recommend you watch “The Bridge”. Filmmakers aimed several cameras at the golden gate bridge and captured a dozen people jumping to their deaths over the course of a year. Friends and family members were interviewed after the fact and give detailed accounts of the situations behind the suicides. It’s fascinating to witness the jumpers in their last moments and even more so to learn about their lives prior to their death. Suicide and death is a very taboo subject and rarely approached as unedited and raw as it is in this documentary. There’s no escaping the truth in “the bridge”, suicidal people are driven by emotional forces we can’t fathom. This was evident as the camera focused in on their faces as they stepped off the bridge and carried out their mission. The Golden Gate Bridge is host to dozens of suicides every year. For obvious reasons, the city of San Francisco feverishly tried to stop the release of this documentary, but was unsuccessful. The film crew redeemed themselves by calling the bridge authorities when they saw a jumper prepare to go over, they were successful in thwarting several suicides as a result.

Merv Griffin Style

What do 2 well raised gay southern gentlemen do on a Saturday night in Austin Texas while no ones looking?

They kick it Dynasty style and drink Kir Royales to oblivion at The Four Seasons then head out to the bars and dig up trailer trash for sport.

I think I’ve met my match and he wears as much gingham as I do. I may have to kick it up a notch to remain competitive. Until then this partner in crime will certainly keep things translucent.

Bourbon and branch anyone?

LOCO motion

Ok so im in a dating slump right now. I've been digging up the real winners. This one may take the cake. He emailed me this video of himself today. Besides the fact that he has a "sweet deal with jesus", he seemes a bit off. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he suffered a major brain injury in a car accident several years ago...then he told me that the injury turned him gay. I was thrilled.

Crazy, party of one, your table is now ready....

Accidental Jetsetting

Thanksgiving in Paris, summer in Spain? Sounds lovely..and I'm doing both thanks to yet another mistake biz class airline fare. The usual suspects and I will enjoy the city of lights for the holiday and 2 weeks on the Spanish Mediterranean for next to nothing thanks to CH's ability to find these incredible deals. I strongly advise you to dig up a mileage runner and befriend them quickly. You too can see the world from first class seats at less than economy prices.

French Kisses and Panty Crickets.

I woke up today in my bed here in Austin and was rudely reminded that I was back in Kansas (sans Toto) and immediately missed the sensational sun kissed experience I lived in St. Maarten this past week. Relaxing in the Caribbean sun, soaking up pina coladas and swimming in the crystal clear ocean helped exceed my fantasy vacation expectations. I would undoubtedly recommend St. Maarten to anyone seeking a similar get-a-way-from-it-all scenario. Sure the roads suck, but they all lead you beaches that leave you breathless. Home cooked meals, late night swims, Carib beers and a nightly competitive game of Dice kept us busy before the following days activities. Even though the Euro is gobbling the dollar up, we managed to get out relatively unscathed.

Advice to future St, Maartiners. Rent a Villa on Orient Bay, Dine French in Margot, Day trip it to Baie Rouge (and feed the fish!), Pace yourself on Pina Coladas, Remove the hard plastic inserts from snorkeling flippers before use ( hmmmm), be VERY ok with public nudity, and of course avoid connecting through Miami at all costs!!!!!!!!!!!

Bon Vini Ya'll!

My bedroom with a view

Euro Sensibilities are everywhere.

Watch out! Seriously...

Casa Azul's Pool deck was dreamy



Casa Azul from behind


Our Inner Sanctum

Coconuts weren't so tasty.

Care Free in the Caribbean

This is what I've been waking up to for the last 5 days. As our vacation in St. Martin comes to close on Saturday, we'll be sorry to leave this vacation paradise behind.

Wanted:

Human Cause seeking female celebrity to cram yet another African atrocity down the world community's throat. Must have a convincing personality, be able to cry-on-demand and the ability to convince Americans that they are culturally insensitive if they dont rally behind you. As usual, you are not required to give any of your own money and will be paid for appearances and enjoy luxury photo-op trips to the vaginally challenged territory.

PEOPLE...When are we going to finally realize that Africa is never going to be civilized?

Female genital mutilation on rise

MSNBC/The Associated Press
July 10, 2007

LONDON - Female genital mutilation, commonly associated with parts of Africa and the Middle East, is becoming a growing problem in Britain despite efforts to stamp it out.
London’s Metropolitan Police, Britain’s largest police force, hopes a campaign beginning on Wednesday will highlight that the practice is a crime here. To make their point, police are offering a $40,000 reward for information leading to Britain’s first prosecution for female genital mutilation, Detective Chief Superintendent Alastair Jeffrey said.

In Britain, the problem mostly involves first-generation immigrants from Africa and the Middle East. Police say they don’t have comprehensive statistics about the number of victims. But midwife Comfort Momoh, who specializes in treating them at London hospitals and clinics and who works with police, told the news conference she treats 400 to 500 victims every year.
Criminal offense Arranging or carrying out the procedure — in Britain or abroad — is a criminal offense punishable by up to 14 years in prison, but no one has been prosecuted since it was banned under British law in 2003, Jeffrey said. Police estimate up to 66,000 girls in Britain face the risk of genital mutilation.

“The timing of this campaign is for one good reason: so we can get in before the summer holidays, a time when young girls are taken abroad and subjected to genital mutilation,” he told a news conference Tuesday. Mutilated infants, girls and women face irreversible lifelong health risks — both physically and mentally, according to UNICEF and other charity groups.
Authorities believe the number of genital mutilation cases peaks in the summer, because the extended school vacation gives girls more time to recover — thereby making it easier for those responsible to cover up their actions.

Female genital mutilation usually involves the removal of the clitoris and other parts of female genitalia. Those who practice it say it tames a girl’s sexual desire and maintains her honor.
It is practiced by Muslims and Christians alike, deeply rooted in the Nile Valley region and parts of sub-Saharan African, and is also done in Yemen and Oman. Through migration, the practice has spread to Western countries like Britain.
U.S. federal law specifically bans the practice.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19700137/

Status Quo

This is not a home pregnancy test…it’s a rapid HIV test. After stabbing my fingers to death to get the 2 drops of blood the test requires, I successfully activated it and my results as indicated are negative. The test immediately detects the HIV antibody in your bloodstream and this would be indicated by 2 red lines appearing in the results window. As I watched my blood slowly soak up the test stick, my heart literally raced out of my chest. My eyes played tricks on me as the blood reached the point of no return. Of course I thought I saw two lines, then my eyes adjusted to just one..I exhaled a long sigh and starred at the lone line for about 5 minutes just to make sure another didn’t appear. In fact I periodically checked it for several hours, picking it up just to make sure. Even though I always practice safe sex and am very responsible when it comes other bedroom behaviors I always get uncontrollably nervous when I get tested. I guess when you fish in pool of sharks you will live with a constant fear of being bitten.

The obsessive compulsive in me bought 30 of these tests online and I plan on using them on myself and anyone else I get intimately familiar with. Maybe that’s over the top, but to me it makes sense. I once knew a guy (in the biblical sense) who later told me he had dated several HIV+ men and that they did not practice safe sex. He believed he was “immune” to the disease and therefore didn’t feel it necessary to tell me about his past behaviors. I completely freaked out and visited the HIV clinic 3 times in 30 days. They finally told me NOT to come back for another 60 days, which I did and all was fine. The point is, you really can’t expect the truth from group of people who have perfected the art of fear-of-rejection. Most people with HIV don’t even know they have it.

I have several friends who are living with HIV successfully. I learned through them that HIV is not reserved for crack whores and prostitutes and that it can invite itself into any socio-economic circumstance. I always think about them when I contemplate compromising my health for a good time. Being human, being male and single does create its challenges, but I’m finally old enough to employ responsible decision making processes that are based in reality not just instant gratification.

CLICK HERE to learn your status.

What I like about Texas

I get asked this question a lot and this video sums it up perfectly!

Appletude

AppleTUDE – [Ap*uhl*tood] (Noun)- The treatment one receives in an Apple store when they go to return their iphone. Usually displayed by a smart-glasses wearing, anti-establishment, $6 an hour retail employee who would rather treat you like a techno-lepper than accept the fact that the new iphone is NOT a device best suited for people on-the-go who need a business-class communications device.

Unfortunately, I can not lay claim to this extremely appropriate term, Stratocade gave birth to it during a conversation we were having about our intentions to return our new iphones. He suffered a annoying dose of Appletude while returning his, I have yet to venture to the mall to experience it for myself. I plan on going in armed with all my complaints which I will deliver at high volume in my best mad black woman voice if I am belittled by those retail queens.

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, I’m gonna stick with my CrackBerry. (Definition forthcoming)

iphony

Ok, so the techno-nerd that lives deep inside me reared it’s ugly head and forced me to buy an iphone over the weekend. I was in Tulsa for some fun Oral Roberts style and lucked out on grabbing one of the few remaining units left in the city (thanks to my personal concierge for picking it up for me). The design is great, functionality is in check, BUT I’m considering taking it back for a refund.

Here are my reasons why:

I dropped my 8g ipod once, the screen cracked open and now it’s useless. I could take it back to the store and have it repaired for $200, but I haven’t. The iphone is one huge screen. I’m sure it’s been drop tested, but It’s not fool proof. I drop my cell phone all the time. Sometimes I drop it when im picking it up after I’ve already dropped it. I’m a dropper damnit, and I’m not confident the iphone can coexist with me as a result.

The battery life myth Apple has perpetuated has already proven itself not to be true. I spent several hours yesterday on a plane and watched the battery indicator half itself before my eyes.

There is no “new email/message” light that alerts you from across the room. My blackberry blinks at me and I know I’ve got a new message. I have to activate the iphone, go into mail and see if there’s a new message. A simple led blinker would have been nice Mr. Jobs.

No Voice activated dialing. I use that feature on my blackberry all the time and it’s probably saved my life several times while im driving. The iphone requires full concentration and using it while driving is really not an option.

The unit itself is bigger than my blackberry and heavier. It’s an odd size, I just can’t get used to holing it in my hand and using the phone features especially.

Keyboard. The touch keyboard is small and it often mistakes the keys your hunting for. Supposedly it “learns” your typing patterns and finger radius and knows that even when your fat finger slightly touches the J key, you’re really meaning to tap the K key. I can’t imagine how it does this, I’ve mistyped many letters on the thing and it hasn’t learned a damn thing yet.

Outlook/ work server configuration is very different from blackberry. Even my company has had a slightly difficult time getting us set up on it and were rooted in technology. I can’t imagine what the less techno-savvy folks are doing about it.

Internal Battery: The battery is internal, you can get to it. If it runs down, that’s it. I like having 2 rechargeable batteries at my discretion so I can keep one charged at all time, keeps my phone uptime at 100%.

The phone/ipod combo isn’t really practical for me. I use my ipod to go running almost exclusively and carrying this $600 toy around the lake isn’t an option. Even if I just used the ipod functionality when traveling, I’m still draining valuable phone battery time in the process.
It’s expensive. I could probably save a village of children in Malawi for what it cost me to buy this thing and that would make Madonna proud.