A few weeks ago I received a distress signal from a friend in Florida. Her colleague suspects her BF may be gay and she needs help. In an attempt to save one woman from a lifetime of lies and a non-existent sex life, I immediately went into action.
Mrs. XXXXXX
Tallahassee, Florida 33601
July 10, 2007
Dear Mrs. XXXXX.
I am writing in response to a message I received from your office on July 10, 2007. I would be happy to discuss our homo ID services with you in further detail at your convenience. As you know, we have a patented outing process that has helped thousands of clueless women discover the deep penetrating truth about the men in their lives. Our 12 step HomoID process evaluates all of the potential points of gay penetration and calculates a rank score much like the Kinsey scale. Most people we work with are surprised to learn that the men they know fall somewhere in between “Crack whore Tranny” and “Mulleted trailer trash” on our pole smoking scale. Studies have shown us that significant percentages (40%) have previously engaged in mutual masturbation and or drunken fraternity fellatio and a strong 15% are cognitive undercover homos masquerading under the socially acceptable term ‘metro-sexual’.
As part of our service we will also provide a free six pack of beer and a copy of ‘Threesome’ which can be viewed with one of our trained conversion therapists. We employ a range of men who are highly trained male “companions” who can secretly infiltrate our client’s lives and cleverly bait and switch their unsuspecting boyfriends into a compromising position in record time. Please note, there is an additional cost for work done in trailer parks, in the Bible belt or with the morbidly obese.
I would also like to note that we have recently added “Gay Care” services for new moms on the go whose busy schedules don’t allow for proper queer training for their infants. This includes, but is not limited to, Infant Couture consulting, “My First Show tunes” training and Madonna 101. Availability is tight, so contact us quickly if you’re interested.
In closing, I am confident that we can help your colleague discover the truth that lies deep inside her boyfriend. The fact that she has raised the question already is a clear cut indication that trouble may be brewing between his jean short clad thighs. I will be sending you our latest whitepaper that outlines some additional warning signs to watch out for, I hope you will find it helpful.
Thank you for contacting us and I will look forward to speaking with you soon.
Regards,
Eyeque, Proprietor
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