It's Everywhere You Wanna Be

Access to the National Geographic Archives: $5.00



Membership Fee For The Young Republicans Club of Greater DC: $25.00



A Presidential motorcade 20 feet below your hotel window: Priceless



Mr Bush ignored the impending real estate bubble and spoke to the National Association of Mortgage Brokers at my Hotel on Wednesday. My room window happened to be directly above all the commotion. I had a great time panicking the secret service staff that were posted on the rooftops of all the adjacent buildings while I stood at my window. The scary thing is, im sure they already knew all about me.

Its back to Austin tomorrow for me and not nearly soon enough! I have about 300 hours of Tivo to watch, an overstuffed mailbox and a potential biohazzard awaiting me in my refridgerator.

Not Quite Donna Reed

Washington DC: Day 3,829,238,494

Per a suggestion from a friend, I decided to hop over to the bar at The Jefferson on Friday night for an after work libation. This is where the washington power brokers congregate and I wanted in on that action. I grabbed a 14 dollar martini and worked the room nicely. I stumbled across a really interesting guy. Giving new meaning to the phrase "Like a moth to a flame", turns out he's in my dating "pool" so I finagled a proper Washington DC date out of him.

The Particulars:

Him: 29, resident pediatrician, lives in Nashville, doing advocacy work for the AMA in DC for the month

Me: Mesmerized

We went to dinner at Georgia Browns and then walked around the national mall and the monuments. DC is a great walking city, especially at night. The sound of distant gunfire and a constant barrage of homeless help-me-outs couldn't dampen my evening whatsoever. That's when you know its good, when your personal safety takes a back seat to a dating experience.

The good: We are both from small town NC. We have similar southern values and are ready for new relationships in our lives. He's dapper, intelligent and well intentioned and beyond eager to make it work despite any geographical, professional, social obstacles.

The Not So Good: He's a pediatrician, and so is my dad. While I realize theres coalition there, something about it just seems familar and gross-like. Because of his sexual orientation he will probably be forced to live a very low-key lifestyle for the duration of his career. He has every intention of returning to his small town (and I mean small) to join his lifetime mentors practice and small southern towns dont mind running queer doctors out of town.

So that started me thinking about living in a small town:

I think I'd make a fantastic small town gay. I'd work until I didn't have to then I would totally join the junior league; Then I could pull out my yellow/ palm tree embroidered Lilly Pulitzer golf pants and the make-me-gag green sweater vest. I'd throw the best parties for miles. I'd volunteer at the local women's shelter and put on a charity golf tournament every year that benefits the animal shelter. I'd coordinate the house staff, perfect the art of casserole making and sipping wine on the back porch in the evenings. I'd invite my friends for bridge and steaks on Friday nights. I would gossip behind everyone's back in an attempt to thwart the attention away from my own "no-so-private" personal issues. Little would I know everyone in town already knows about, and revels in, my problems.

Frequent trips to the Texas hill country to visit my equally fabulous friends 'Gladys Panzerhof' and 'Sammy Lee Bass' would be a must. We will all sit around while our significant others play golf and drink gin and tonics. We would make inappropriate statements about other races, perpetuate misinformation about our mutual friends and mutually exclude each other from feeling bad about the way we are acting.

In the evenings my partner and I will retire to separate areas of the house. I will watch reality TV, he will balance the checkbook and get mad about my spending habits. We will slowly start to resent our situation (and each other) but our fear of being alone at this point in our lives will muffle any appropriate actions we should take. Luckily we won't have any children to consider as we both spiral into the depths of our silent desperation.

In a perfect world he would preceed me in death so I can move back to the Texas Hill country and live out my days with my best friends a-la golden girls style. We would have a cute pool boy who serves us martinis all day long and a driver to take us everywhere in our big white cadillac.

We could all three be buried together in a small Tx cemetary under a weatherproof disco ball. This way, we wont have any problems finding eachother when we get to hell, of course thats where were going according to over 50% of the populations religious beliefs. Thats ok though, we will have the most fabulous condo on the shores of the Lake of Fire that Hell has ever seen and a fantastic tan to go along with it.

A Light Bulb Moment

I realized that there is high potential that I will become crotchety when I get older. I moved hotels today..well moved to the hotel next door. It's a Wyndham, which is "nice" by most peoples standards..of course coming off a Boutique $350-a-night set-up would be a let down for about anyone (and it is). I checked in my room, while much bigger, it reminds me of a 80's conference hotel room. It just looked and smelled mass produced and the college-fridge mini bar didn't help. And now to the lights....I have a strange thing about fluorescent lights. I cant stand them. I think the person who invented it should be buried alive in a coffin lined with em. For those of us who appreciate "good light" (and there is such a thing) fluorescent lighting can create the most unflattering atmosphere possible and It also gives out headaches like candy. It reminds me of the countless hours I spent starring into them in grade school getting hypnotized by the buzzing sound.

As expected the Wyndham corporation bought into the energy conspiracy and have replaced all of their light bulbs with the "energy efficient", "longer lasting" screw in fluorescent bulbs. So you get that indicative flicker when you turn on the lights, lamps, closet lights.....everything fucking flickers. So my first mission, to call the front desk and ask for replacement, 40 to 60 watt soft white traditional bulbs. I could just hear the lady saying to herself "who the hell is this obsessive/compulsive idiot?"but i pushed through with my request. It was, of course, a no go. So I put on my coat and walked 8 blocks to the CVS pharmacy and bought some good ol GE soft white 40 watts, and my room is now a better place.

You certainly get what you pay for in this world. My most memorable hotel stay was at The Mandarin Oriental in Hong Kong. They not only ask you what type of light you'd like in your room, they ask you what thread count and fabric make you'd like your sheets in, what temperature you'd like your room to be upon arrival, what kind of water you prefer and if it needs to be chilled or at room temperature. There is a 3/1 guest to concierge ratio at that hotel and each floor has it's own butler service on call 24 hours a day. Nothings out of reach there.. In-room chef prepared dinner, private blackjack games, rooftop helicopter rides into the city, one armed Asian hookers with tourettes syndrome... no problem..

It's beyond fabulous with a beyond fabulous price tag to go along with it....but worth every single HKD.

Oh, The Irony....

Montage Madness

I've been thinking a lot lately about music montage's. You know the ones from the 80's/90's movies and TV shows. Where at some opportune point in the movie a song comes out of nowhere. Typically a power ballad performed by some hair-band; it normally helps the protagonist get the desired result by providing a soundtrack to their formulaic plot struggle.

80's movies were very keen on the music montage. Top Gun was famous for them, we all "highway'd to the danger zone" ourselves over and over.. and loved every minute of it. Especially the over-the-top homoerotic volleyball game scene. Anyhow, I digress.. Movies have moved away from montages, but I think they should bring them back. Im considering leading a one man revolution to resurrect the montage... Wanna join?

I've been thinking about what song would play for my music montage if my life were a movie right now. Maybe 'Life is a Highway' by Tom Cochrine?..that's an excellent 'feel good', im moving on, the world is my oyster kinda song. I downloaded it just now to hear it and I think it's appropriate. I also wouldn't mind.. "Take it Easy" by The Eagles, "Roam" by the B52s, or "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynard Skynard. They all make me wanna get up and head outta town. Im going to have to make sure I download all these great songs before I head to the Banana Republic. I hear broadband is spotty there.

The saddest, goodbye, im movin on, movie song montage ever....... "Its time for sayin goodbye" from the highly acclaimed celluloid masterpiece, 'The Muppets Take Manhattan'......Those damn puppets kill me every time with that.

Here, There and Everywhere

You know you’re overextended when you start making business trips from business trips. I walked into the office this morning and found out that I’m going to Boston and Los Angeles this week. At least this will get me out of my hotel room here in DC and put some new scenery in front of my face. I asked a good friend of mine, whose been living in a hotel for work for over 3 months, how he keeps from going crazy, I got the impression that his misery is offset nicely by the 100 million Hilton Hotel points he earning. He could probably cash those in for a month’s stay in Tahiti or somewhere equally as remote and fabulous. I wasn’t nearly that crafty and now I’m just miserable.

So it’s off to La La land tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn for a 1 day trip. I do get to spend some time with my counterpart in the LA office who I really like. Our company has just signed a big deal with the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage and I’m going there to check the place out and help them make some imedia decisions. Then it’s LA to Boston on Wednesday, Boston to DC on Thursday then DC to Austin on Friday for the Weekend. Back to Dc on Sunday and then a final return to Austin on Wednesday. Then Ill have 2 weeks in Austin to gather up my things, pack a storage unit, sell my car, shut down my life stateside and move to Costa Rica.

Somebody help me!

Wheel of Misfortune.

Traveling for business and living in a Hotel really does suck. To make matters worse, the limited television channel lineup forces you to watch television shows you hate. Like Wheel Of Fortune. It never was the same after they stopped forcing the contestants to spend all their winnings on extremely tatseless trinkets that rotated around on a shag-carpeted turnstile. Or After Vanna White found god and traded in her slap your momma whoreish Bob Mackie dresses for a leather bound bible and a knitting needle. But somehow, like Merv Griffith's silver mane, it has survived. So I know the obvious way to improve Wheel of Fortune is to just take it off the air. But since people insist on watching it, I have a few ideas.

The Wheel
A Wheel of Fortune shouldn't always have all good stuff on it. The only 2 "bad" things on the wheel right now are "Bankrupt" and "Lose a Turn."

Where are the really bad things? Like "Lose your parents' retirement funds" or "Solitary Confinement in Malaysia for 6 months" or "Have a Limb of Pat's Choice Amputated (NOW)"

Where there are rewards, there should be risks. That's all I'm sayin' .....

The Players
We've all seen it when they pop 2 people behind each players post -- best friends, siblings, parent and child. I ask; Where are the conjoined twins? So we can revel in statements like:

"Why don't you reach down with your good arm and pick up that 'free spin' card?"

Now thats entertainment.

Before and After
After about 10 episodes, they ran out of normal phrases like "Time Heals All Wounds" "Behold the power of soup." So then they came up with clever puzzle types like "Before and After" e.g. "Stitch in time will tell" See? That's clever. It combines "Stitch in time" with "time will tell" and makes a WHOLE NEW nonsensical puzzle.

I have some others to suggest:

"You Stupid Bitch and Moan"
"Wouldn't It Be Nice Ass"
"Throw Up Yours"

...and to take it to the next level, heres a "Before and After and Before"

"Boston Tea Bagging Party"

As usual, I have been left out of the Game Show ideation process. So were stuck with Pat and Vanna, for a few more years. I wouldn't dare touch the Price is Right though. I love watching middle Americans lose their minds over a stipped down chevrolet cavliler with California emissions or the sound of the Plinko chips falling into certain zero-dollar zones. The astro turfed revolving sets provide a wonderful backdrop to the oak veneer waterbeds and other liquidation warehouse furniture they give away to fanatical contestants everyday at 11am.

Imagine having to pay your 50% prize tax on that.

METRONOMICS

Have you ever been in a particular place, looked at all the people around you and thought to yourself "If for some reason the entire world outside of this room dissipated I would be stuck living with only these people for the rest of my life?"; and then wonder where you would fit into that mix? I thought that today while riding on the Metro here in Washington. Yes, It's a very "lost" kinda mentality, but interesting to ponder nonetheless. In my car I had an elderly asian lady, 4 papi chulo tattoo-on-the-neck gangbangers, a slew of oversized NBA-jersied black guys, a few studious collegiates, and about 6 homeless people (one of which urinated on the floor during my eye scan).

It was clear to me that I would have no problems electing myself into a leadership position if the aforementioned scenario were realized. There would probably be some sort of turf war between the Papi Chulos and the Laker guys, which would keep them occupied long enough not to notice that I had woo'ed the Asian lady, the homeless and the collegiates into my majority-rules discipleship.

My point here is, If you stand back far enough and let your competitors expend all their time, energy and rersources fighting eachother, eventually they will neutralize one another clearing the way for you to advance to the top of the heap.

Or you can just get off the Metro at the next station.

Going For It!

'There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait, the more time that you waste."

Irish Aversion.

Ok so it’s St. Patrick’s Day and its Friday. Even as someone who “Hates all things Irish”, given that the holiday is falling on a Friday I will be celebrating. I have been asked to officially join The Capital Club after many years of taking advantage of their parties and events, so I will be throwing down with them at their annual Shamrock Soiree tonight here in DC. A long time friend of mine will be officially inducting me into the membership. Given the clubs reputation, I’m sure it will include some sort of embarrassing frat-boyish tradition that will make for great blackmail material somewhere later in life.

I’ve never coveted the Irish folk. I find Irish guys gross, potty-mouthed, proned to alcoholism and uninteresting. Irish women are nice, but they usually marry Irish guys which makes them unlikable by association. I’ve never wanted to visit Ireland. I don’t like Irish dancing or the music and the I find it a stretch to consider what they eat “food”. Irish cinema is drab and boring. Everything about it seems to be disgruntled and poor. In fact, there’s no export from Ireland that impacts my life in any way whatsoever. I used to like U2 until Bono relocated to Los Angeles and went off the deep end politically.

Surprisingly my mom’s family is Irish and I like most of them. Of course none of them were raised in Ireland or by direct descendants. They spent enough time in the US to realize that life’s not about beer, football and beating people up. Lucky Charms are about the only other Irish-ish thing I like.

I’m sure this will spark a bunch of Irish Hate Mail and ill probably have to check under my car before I start it up next time, but I’m just being honest.

The Washington Zoo

Being in Washington is like visiting a zoo. A great place to view wild animals from a safe distance. Everything about this town is geared towards fighting your way up the food chain. Thousands of young people idealistically flock to this town to “make a difference” in the political process. They work insane hours for absolutely no money and little recognition knowing that the likelihood they’ll make it into career politics practically doesn’t exist. These people will stab each other in the front, sleep with whatever necessary, lie, cheat, steal, ruin lives, and yes KILL to inch their way closer to some recognition. There seems to be no real value system in this town. The few that came with em, had them quickly stripped away by the harsh realities of the political system. Nice doesn’t win here. Good doesn’t win here. Only cunning, cut throat, alpha male/ uber bitch, win-at-all-cost personalities prevail in this town.

Many people in our Washington Office migrated from career politics. Their horror stories account for many a dropped mouth and raised eyebrow in the break room. I’m separated by a glass wall from a guy who was Hillary Clinton’s scheduler; he remembers the day she found out about her husbands affair with Monica Lewinski. He “cleared her schedule” and took cover from flying objects. The interesting thing is, he says, she was more upset that it had hit the press than the fact that it happened. I believe him 100%. Politics at its best.

The “what can you do for me” attitude is always prevalent. Conversations begin with “who do you work for” and often end with the delivery of a non working phone number written on the back of a match book. The puffery and self assurance here is mind-boggling. I get a kick out of it, because I know that once you remove the Brooks Brothers wool overcoat, grey suit and flashy tie, all you have left is an Iowa farm boy with a napoleon complex who misses his grandma.

In my desk drawer is a terrorism kit. Gas mask, bottle water, rubber gloves and duct tape. It’s mandatory in all office buildings here on Capitol Hill. I guess a suit of armor to fend off the vicious Hill staffers wouldn’t fit in there.

Sexual Politics

I’m in Washington for work for the next 3 weeks. I’m living in a Hotel, albeit a nice hotel. Last night, the hotel hosted to The Madison Awards (no relation), which celebrate a select few Washingtonian socialite do-gooders charity deeds. Because I am a guest at the hotel I was invited to the dinner reception last night. Being starved for social interaction, I actually went. I struck up a conversation with a dapper gentleman at the bar. He is a lobbyist for the Environmental Defense Fund and is a whopping 26 years old. His resume is quite impressive. Georgetown undergrad double major in French and foreign relations and a masters degree in public policy. He was well groomed, obviously socialized and like me, could carry on a conversation with the devil himself. Anyone who knows me and my taste would understand that this is a walking wet dream realized.
As I typically do in these sorts of situations, I search for clues in the conversation that may point to his sexual orientation. Not that it mattered, but I certainly do enjoy a challenge. Washington typically turns out a bunch of undetectable gays who live entirely different lives during the daylight hours and like Cinderella, they turn ‘interesting’ at the stroke of midnight. My good friend and ex big political Washingtonian tells me that he believes that over 50% of the hill is closeted gay. Given the social and political backstabbing that’s required to survive here, it doesn’t come as a surprise. Keeping all of this in mind, I proceed with caution in my incognito interrogation.

Jason: “Are you married?”
Mr. Debonair: “No I’m not”
Jason: “I bet it’s hard to find dates who aren’t interested in your political pedigree in Washington”
Mr. Debonair: “Yeah that’s true. It’s not hard to get laid in this town, but forget finding a relationship that’s worth-a-damn”
Jason: “Do lobbyist date each other?”
Mr. Debonair: “Some, I’ve never dated a lobbyist”
Jason: “Me either” (Insert courtesy laugh here)
Mr. Debonair: “Where are you staying in Washington?”
Jason: “I’m here at The Madison”
Mr. Debonair: “Ahh cool, are the rooms nice?”

Ok so at this point I knew I could take this conversation in 1 of two directions… (1.) Invite him to see my room (2.) Simply answer the question……..Which did I choose?

Jason: “The rooms are nice, but not 350.00 a night nice. “
Mr. Debonair: “Oh, ok. I’ve always wondered what they were like here”

At this point im thinking, Is he fishing for an invite or just making small talk? Im lost, getting nervous and I decide to take the higher road and switch the topic to March Madness which could go nowhere interesting in record time. And for the record that’s exactly where it went.
Moving on, I commingled with some other people, made some interesting small talk, drank a glass of wine and started heading out the door. I looked for Mr. Debonair before I walked out and couldn’t find him. I rounded the corner and there he was at the elevator with another gentleman from the reception, on his way up to ‘see his room’.

I’m clearly not very good at sexual politicking.

Professional Dilettante

I’m doing a podcast tonight with spittingtacks on Search Engine Optimization in preparation for the SXSW Interactive festival coming up next week. While preparing for it I started thinking about my career and what got me to where I am today. While SEM, SEO and other imedia expertise does require a specific knowledge and skillset, I can honestly say that my relative successes can be mostly attributed to the time and dedication I have put towards networking. You always hear the phrase “Its Who Ya Know” and most of us typically brush that off as “cutesy” or “slightly true”; Well folks I’m here to tell you it’s all true. I can’t tell you how many opportunities have come my way through professional and personal contacts. Rarely does a week go by that I don’t get a phone call or email asking if im interested in a job op or freelance oppty. I have spent years collecting business cards, attending events and keeping in touch with strategic players in the interactive space and it all seems to be paying off now.

When I was dating Mr. Man, who was afflicted with a severe case of social retardation, I witnessed him consistently struggle professionally. Graduating in the top 20% in his class in undergrad, becoming an officer in the Navy and completing his MBA from a top 10 school didn’t do ANYTHING to help him move forward professionally. He had no problems getting interviews, but it always stopped there. I knew deep down it was all due to his inability to connect with people. Having absolutely NO professional network in place and coming off as an intellectual elitist didn’t help him much either. Hmm, what did I see in that? Anyways, I always make sure I have at least 3 favors to call in at any time. This way I know, no matter what happens, I am covered professionally.
My family seems to have a very difficult time appreciating my career. I’m pretty sure it’s just because they don’t understand it. I also believe they are holding me to antiquated job standards. The days of one job, 50 years, and a gold watch are no more. Especially in the interactive industry. As the web continues to define its role in the marketplace, there’s a land-grab situation going on. You gotta get while the getting is good, and Im grabbin like a whore in Chinatown. Job tenures in my industry are around year and often even shorter than that. I know many people who bounce around to multiple jobs within a given year and they aren’t professionally damaged by it at all. In fact, it’s often to the contrary. My exposure to multiple companies has done nothing but bulk up my Rolodex, increased my professional opportunities and most importantly grown my knowledge base. My personality, and severe A.D.D are just not a good fit for a long-term permanent situation right now. I’m also not foolish enough to believe it will be this way forever. But for right now it’s suiting me just fine!

See, I Wasn't Kidding....

Another day in the Banana Republic.

Drove Back from Jaco Beach today. I personally found a new religion during the death spiral drive through the mountains. We decided that the totally inadequate windy mountain roads weren't deadly enough so we stopped by and risked our lives walking on a highway overpass (with little to no sidewalk) to check out some 13 ft Crocodiles that have been known to eat cows and small children.


Estupido Gringos!

Not sure which would be worse, getting hit by a Costa Rican crazy driver or falling over the overpass into the mouths of the underfed, spring-jawed crocks. Either way, my life was hanging in a delicate deadly balance. Just the way I like it.


GRRRR.

Checked back into our hotel in San Jose and headed to dinner at an old monastery-turned-high priced-eatery Le Monastere' , Which was beyond fabulous. The 40 ft neon cross on the deck is just tacky enough to belong in South America, and the view was worth the 350,000 colon final bill.

Praise Jesus!

'The View' sans Satrr Jones

Pura Vida!

Woke up this morning with a bangin' headache which finally went away after several pina coladas at the pool bar. The iguanas kept us company as we tried to ignore the completely obnoxious Americans who are everywhere. Last night at dinner, this one "well mannered" gringo literally pulled his feet up onto the table to show his dinner partners the cut on the bottom of his foot. We really appreciated it, so did the 5-Star wait staff.

Spent all day on the beach and at the fabulous pool enjoying peoples company and getting sunburnt. Here are some visuals.

Stranger in a Strange Land

Flew in last night on a flight full of ex-convicts and budget conscious spring breakers. Spent 2-hours driving around the city looking for this hotel on roads that have no names. Got chased by a pack of ferrell dogs and got suckered into buying 4 dollar a gallon gas. It was all worth it when I woke up this morning and experienced this view from my balcony.



Things I love about Costa Rica So Far:
1. Prostitution is Legal
2. Live-In Maids are 150.00 a month
3. Potholes swallow whole cars here.
4. Gringo Rights
5. They grow every citrus fruit possible, but dont know what lemons are.

Spent most of the morning in meetings. Met with a realtor and looked at rental properties in Escazu and Santa Ana then drove to Jaco Beach and checked into this fine hotel. Had a fantastic meal, then cocktails and played a round of No-Limit Poker in the casino with my colleagues. I lost 10,000 ........ Colones ($20).

Lions and Tigers and Bears...

So I leave for Costa Rica in 12 hours. The following 4 photographs contain things I hope not to see while visiting. It's safe to say that if I do come into contact with any of these things, my trip will be ruined and I will spend the remainder of my time there in my hotel room begging American Airlines to let me leave early.





Stay tuned. Ill post photos as I have them.

Pura Vida!