Traveling for business and living in a Hotel really does suck. To make matters worse, the limited television channel lineup forces you to watch television shows you hate. Like Wheel Of Fortune. It never was the same after they stopped forcing the contestants to spend all their winnings on extremely tatseless trinkets that rotated around on a shag-carpeted turnstile. Or After Vanna White found god and traded in her slap your momma whoreish Bob Mackie dresses for a leather bound bible and a knitting needle. But somehow, like Merv Griffith's silver mane, it has survived. So I know the obvious way to improve Wheel of Fortune is to just take it off the air. But since people insist on watching it, I have a few ideas.
The Wheel
A Wheel of Fortune shouldn't always have all good stuff on it. The only 2 "bad" things on the wheel right now are "Bankrupt" and "Lose a Turn."
Where are the really bad things? Like "Lose your parents' retirement funds" or "Solitary Confinement in Malaysia for 6 months" or "Have a Limb of Pat's Choice Amputated (NOW)"
Where there are rewards, there should be risks. That's all I'm sayin' .....
The Players
We've all seen it when they pop 2 people behind each players post -- best friends, siblings, parent and child. I ask; Where are the conjoined twins? So we can revel in statements like:
"Why don't you reach down with your good arm and pick up that 'free spin' card?"
Now thats entertainment.
Before and After
After about 10 episodes, they ran out of normal phrases like "Time Heals All Wounds" "Behold the power of soup." So then they came up with clever puzzle types like "Before and After" e.g. "Stitch in time will tell" See? That's clever. It combines "Stitch in time" with "time will tell" and makes a WHOLE NEW nonsensical puzzle.
I have some others to suggest:
"You Stupid Bitch and Moan"
"Wouldn't It Be Nice Ass"
"Throw Up Yours"
...and to take it to the next level, heres a "Before and After and Before"
"Boston Tea Bagging Party"
As usual, I have been left out of the Game Show ideation process. So were stuck with Pat and Vanna, for a few more years. I wouldn't dare touch the Price is Right though. I love watching middle Americans lose their minds over a stipped down chevrolet cavliler with California emissions or the sound of the Plinko chips falling into certain zero-dollar zones. The astro turfed revolving sets provide a wonderful backdrop to the oak veneer waterbeds and other liquidation warehouse furniture they give away to fanatical contestants everyday at 11am.
Imagine having to pay your 50% prize tax on that.
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2 comments:
Lucky for you that your channels did not carry "Deal, or No Deal". The world's worse. High ratings. No one ever lost money betting on the poor taste of the American public.
What about the prize puzzle? If you get that, you're more than likely about ot win. Who can compete with a trip to Sydney if your opponent only gets one toss up puzzle right?
There are plenty of times where I wish contestants could still buy a life size sculpture of a dalmation with a water bowl.
But I wish they'd bring back the OLD "Press Your Luck" Poor Peter Tomarkin. RIP.
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