Anatomy of Circumstance

Cray gave me a book called Gay and Single Forever a few weeks back. Not exactly something you thank someone for, but I did peruse its pages and found it to be very interesting. Despite is title, its not designed to embitter or usher its readers into further depths of self pity, it attempts helps make sense of the ridiculousness that is gay dating and relationship cycles. It covers all the basis, the self-loathing, the effects of said self loathing on our quest for love, our often miscalibrated moral compass, selfishness, our 3rd grade dating rituals, insurmountable expectations and little to no tolerance for variation from our “ideals”. The book attempts to explain all of these conditions and it seems like it always comes back to adolescent experience.

Simply explained:
Kid realizes he’s different.
Kid does anything to fit in.
Adolescent years spent in silent desperation.
No adolescent relationships.
Adolescent suffers from discrimination. (directly or indirectly). Deepens wounds.
Kid comes out, starts dating for the first time as an adult.
Adult suffers wounds from childhood, remains emotionally immature
Adult equates sex as acceptance and uses it to heal emotional wounds. A Temporary fix.
Adult is too busy “healing wounds” to hunt for a meaningful companion.
Time flies and suddenly Adult is, in fact, gay and single forever.

Generally, I agree with the books arguments. I can certainly relate to many of those situations. While I do consider myself “relationship oriented”, I have never gone in willingly, often needed to be coerced into it. Something I had just accepted until recently. Until I met FM, whose stirred up something in me I haven’t felt in a long while. We have spent the last 5 nights together and even that doesn’t seem like enough. I’ve decided to just go with it this time and look forward to seeing where I end up.

I hid that book deep in my drawer just in case some of its bitterness tries jump off its pages and sabotage the good thing I have going on here. You can never be too cautious.