Speak Softly and Carry A Big Shoe

It's 1 am and im sequestered in my guest bedroom because I left the door that leads to the backyard open and a spider the size of Magic Johnsons hand got inside. I wouldnt have even seen it except I heard a hissing sound and spotted it on the wall behind my bed just as I was dozing off. I unsucessfully attempted to smash it with a library of magazines that were tossed from a safe distance from the other side of the room. Of course all that did was 1. Piss it off and 2. Forced it to drop to the floor behind my bed. So now I have no idea where it is and im not about to go to sleep in a room with a big ass Costa Rican death fang spider who now has a score to settle. Quite frankly I probably wont go back into my room for a few days until I know it's run out of food and water and lying on it's overdue deathbed. Im so dedicated to this cause that I'll wear what I have on until that happens.

There are "hemp" ,"poly-blend" and "egyptian cotton" people in this world. I'm definately the latter. I dont do "rustic", or "primitave" and if theres the posibility of an insect/rodent/reptile encounter, well you can count me out. Im not sure how all this will play out on the African Safari I want to take. I think Abercrombie and Kent have some packages that include an army of people whose jobs are to kill insect and wildlife that threaten your $2500 a night comfort. Even then, I would request a nightly sweep of my tent for anything non-luxurious and otherwise uninvited. Picture: Joan Collins on Safari.

Clearly I dont belong in Costa Rica. Everything here is big, hairy, mean, scary and venomous. Even the plants here look like they could eat a small child. Until I leave, I will continue to wage my war with the outside. Hoping that one day the word will get out that the only way outta my house is on the bottom of a shoe.