Bathroom Confessional

I just realized something about myself. Im a urinal conversationalist. Meaning I have no qualms whatsoever about starting conversation with a neighbor in an adjoining urinal. I just did this in the bathroom here in my office. The poor guy truly looked like a deer caught in headlights, he was appalled that I would notice and speak to him. Doesn’t he realize (1.) We know each other and (2.) Were standing 3 inches from each other? I think he peed on his leg. Im sure he’s still trying to work though the situation in his head, trying to make it all right somehow. “im not gay, im not gay, im not gay”……

American men are so fucking uptight when it comes to interacting with other men. One of my personal faves, the “uber-masculine, shoulder to shoulder, clinched fist, pat on the back hug”. This was clearly adopted from a bad MTV Cribs episode. It is the most self-conscious, fear-of-intimacy based action I’ve ever witnessed. Men have somehow justified to themselves that the side-to-side shoulder touch is not “gay” like a normal hug is. Damn, now the gay recruitment committee will have to come up with other ways to “convert” people. I’ll send a memo to corporate out in San Francisco.

I shouldn’t complain too much, at least guys have left the “high –five” behind. How sad was that? Of course there was the hand slap slide into a finger snap motion of the late 90’s. It’s finally died its slow death. Ultimately it’s good that we’ve evolved from simple limb contact to full body-to-body contact even if it is ridiculously choreographed.

This is why I love Europeans. When you’re there you’ll see men kissing each other on the cheek, and sometimes even on the lips. They embrace and hug too. It means NOTHING. Everyone around them knows it means NOTHING. Go to Italy and even the restaurant owners and hotel staff will hug and kiss you on your cheek (sometimes both cheeks). It’s a term of endearment, not a homo pick-up technique. Besides, even if it was, are the people who know you going to suddenly forget who you are and suspect that you have drunken the queer kool-aid? If that’s the case then, believe me, they’ve thought it before and you probably are gay.

Im fascinated by Americans issues with gender interaction. We have been programmed to act a certain way, talk a certain way and interact with each other based on our gender assignment. This is why Americans are typically intolerant of anyone that’s different from them. I’ve noticed that this fear of emasculation can be geographically dependant. My friends from larger northern cities are much more comfortable with the male hug than my friends from the south. Straight guys from California will hug and kiss ya (and even ask you back to their place) while guys in Dallas will only give you a hat tip. It’s all over the board. How do we keep all of this straight? Im getting a headache.

For me, Im definitely a urinal talker AND a hugger. I don’t typically kiss guys (who aren’t gay) but im open for debate on that. All-in-all Americans need to lighten up, stop being so self-conscious and try to live life as human beings not strictlly as a gender divided.